From the Heart

7 Quick Takes Vol. 22

2012-01-27T12:38:00.004-06:00

It has been like 58 years since I've done a QT post. So much has happened lately that I will never catch up, so I'll do a condensed-ish version of it all. Be sure to visit the lovely Jen for more Quick Takes!

1.
It was a three day affair for my aunt Joy's funeral. Her wake was Tuesday night and funeral was Wednesday in Joplin. Her burial was all the way back up in my hometown, about 5 hours away on Thursday. It was three days of laughter, tears, memories, good food and lots of beer. My brother wrote an excellent post capturing the atmosphere of the week. You can read it here.

We took Joe with us for the whole thing. There was lots and lots of driving, tons of people and new places and his schedule went down the pooper. But he did very well!

I want to thank you all for your prayers and kind words for my family. I could definitely feel a sense of warmth and peace around us.

2. You may recall a couple months ago I had to send Joe to occupational therapy for his swallowing food problems. I never really updated y'all on how that went.

His first appointment was at the end of November and we spent an hour and a half watching him eat different things. The therapist gave us different pointers and some little chewy tubes for him to get used to having stuff in the back of his mouth. At his follow up appointment in the middle of December he had pretty much gotten over his gagging and troubles swallowing but now he was pocketing food. I would give him some lunch meat and he'd just store it in his cheeks and finally after about a half hour he would have swallowed it. I was wondering since his one year molars were all coming in at the same time that maybe it hurt him to chew so that's why he was pocketing. The therapist didn't seem to think so and gave me some more instructions on how to stop the pocketing.

At Christmas we went to my mom's house and he became addicted to poppy seed bread. He was constantly snacking on it. It was then I noticed he wasn't holding his food in, so I just started giving him all sorts of food and he did great!

Since then he hasn't gagged or pocketed his food. Now I have the normal challenge of a typical picky toddler. It's so fun to give him food he does like because everything he puts it in his mouth he goes, "Mmmm!!!" It's adorable.

We were supposed to go for another OT session in January but after I called the therapist and explained the situation she said there was no need for him to come back in! I figured this was something he would have to outgrow, but I am thankful we did take him in to the occupational therapist because she did help us out a lot!

3. If you are a Facebook friend of mine you already know that Joe has become quite the little terror. Pretty much everyday I have to run and stop him from scaling the cabinets or take a flying leap off the top of the stairs. Many days I have to say "Shh!" when he is screaming at the top of his lungs and pretty much twice a week I have to stop him from eating paper (after I realize he already ate half the page.) I am really having to start disciplining him. I think he's not quite old enough for the time-out so it's a lot of redirecting. I still get down on his level and explain to him why I am taking his toy away or why he has to go into the other room. I know he doesn't quite understand that, but it's really for my own practice. It doesn't help matters any when he starts laughing at me and acting all cute when I am trying to be serious.

Sometimes I semi-freak out knowing that these tantrums, these disobedient outbursts- well, they are pretty much going to last forever. But the good times and the blooper moments outweigh all those, right? RIGHT?!?!

4. I decided it's finally time to stop nursing. Joe is a nightly marathon nurser. I was waking up 4 of 5 times a night to nurse him. But it wasn't peaceful co-sleeping nursing. We put him to sleep in his play pen and then when I get up to nurse him the first time I usually expect him to just continue sleeping with me. Joe always has other plans. He wants to jump off the bed or play with the shelf hanging above our bed. It has been more than once that the pictures of the Sacred Heart of Mary and Jesus have fallen on my head.

When he nurses he nurses about 2 minutes on one side and 2 minutes on the other side over and over and over again for about 10-15 minutes. I have to sleep on my back which is super annoying.

I didn't want to give up night nursing quite yet despite these challenges. We had a deep bond. I remember one time laying with him nursing him and and I was humming him a lullaby. He looks up with his big blue eyes and reaches up to my face. I thought he was going to stroke my cheek but he just stuck his finger up my nose. It was these funny moments I would miss.

However, in the last month, nursing has become a huge burden for me. There will be times he has nursed for 30 minutes then stop and start to drift off to sleep. I flip over to lay on my stomach and he gets straight up pissed off. He sits up and starts pulling my shirt and pushing me to turn over. I say, "No, no. It's time to sleep" and he slaps me on my face repeatedly. You have no idea how much that infuriates me. His screaming gets louder and louder and he gets more violent. I put him back in his play pen and he screams even louder. So all I can really do is just give in. I decided last week that I was just going to nurse him before I put him to bed and that was it. I also decided to remove myself from the entire situation and sleep in the guest bed. I was going to have my husband take on the sole responsibility of comforting him if he cried for too long. I admit I was very nervous and uneasy about being away from Joe. The first two nights went very well. He only woke up a few times but didn't cry very long.

I thought that I would really dread giving up nursing. I knew I was going to do it sooner rather than later due to this pregnancy, but I just never thought of the reality. However, I am somewhat relieved that our nursing relationship is coming to a close. I wish it would have been him choosing to end the relationship, because I feel like a horrible mother for initiating the end. But I think it will be good in the long run for both of us, especially now if I get more sleep I won't be so grumpy as a mother.

5. I said the first two nights of night weaning went well, but that all changed this past Saturday. I noticed in the morning when I went into his room he was attempting to climb the walls of his play pen. I never thought he would be able to get out. He tried a few times and did not succeed. I took him out and we started our morning. During his morning quiet time I put him in his play pen with books and toys like I always do. I turned on the video baby monitor and started browsing the internet. I looked at the monitor just in time to see him half way up the play pen wall. I jumped up and ran to the door and heard THUD! The little bugger had crawled out! Unfortunately he did not know what to do whenever he crossed over the bar and he ended up falling. By the time I got in there and around the play pen he was sitting up on the floor. He cried for about 20 seconds and my heart stopped beating for about 25 seconds.

Our next challenge was trying to figure out where he was going to sleep. We have a very nice crib but he only slept in it when he was a couple months old before he started despising it. He never ever ever ever would sleep in there so that's why we started using the play pen. We tried every once in a while to get him to sleep in his crib but it was an epic fail. So here we were, two nights into night weaning and now we'd have to put him in his arch enemy. We pulled out the crib and removed all the dirty laundry from it and tested it during his nap. He slept perfectly in it. No screaming- nothing. He slept awesome in it that night as well. I have no clue what made him change his mind.

Buuuuuuut, then my aunt passed away and we had to go out of town and bring the play pen. Which meant we had to do back to the all night co-sleeping and nursing. But last night was our first night back at home and I started right back into the crib and night weaning. So far so good! And it was adorable when I went to wake him up this morning and his little legs were sticking out of the crib rails. I'm praying we're on a road to sleeping through the night!

6. Joe loves Sesame Street which is kind of funny because both my husband and I HATED it when we were growing up. But since Joe's growing fondness of Sesame Street started I have become increasingly fascinated with the puppeteering and history of the show. (Yes, I am a huge nerd and will freely admit to that!) I've found out so many neat little facts. Did you know that the voice of Yoda in Star Wars is the same as the original Cookie Monster? Did you know that Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird are the same voice, and Oscar was originally orange instead of green?

My sister in law gave Ryan, Joe and me the DVD Sesame Street: 40 Years of Sunny Days. The first DVD contains segments from the 1970's and 80's, and the second DVD is the 1990's and 2000's. Both Ryan and I enjoy the first DVD. There is some really funny stuff in there. But the DVD from the years I remember watching it as a child- ugh, they are HORRIBLE! It's weird and cheesy and not good at all. The only thing that makes watching that DVD bearable is making fun of the 90's clothes and seeing the Goo Goo Dolls and the Spin Doctors sing with Elmo. There is also a lot of interesting behind-the-scenes stuff.

I just recently found out there is a 304 page book that goes along with the DVD's! I got an Amazon gift card from doing an NFP research study and plan on purchasing the book (along with a book about vaccines and a book about VBAC's. That's quite the interesting combo.) Again, I know I am a dork.

7. I made a little announcement awhile back about our little bun in the oven. I haven't really had a chance to write about my feelings toward this pregnancy, but I will be doing that soon. I am 14 weeks today and feel tired out of my freakin' mind. I also look like I'm 8 months pregnant which makes me feel super awesome. Aaaaaaand I got a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones that have automatically made me pissy, so if you want to write a nice/funny comment in the combox to cheer me up I won't stop you. :-)

Have a great weekend!

Rest in Peace, Aunt Joy

2012-01-21T10:43:00.008-06:00

Aunt Joy passed away peacefully at 11:40 last night. She was removed from her breathing machine around 2:30 earlier that afternoon. Joy continued to prove that she is a fighter and continued to hold on. They gave her minimal oxygen and morphine so she wouldn't go into distress. She took her last breath with her husband by her side.

It has been a long week of waiting and praying. Waiting to see if the therapeutic hypothermia would work. Waiting to see if she would wake up. Waiting for her to be released from this world.

My heart is heavy. All of my family is deep in mourning. Gosh, I wish you all could have met her. My hope is that you have someone like Joy in your life. Although, there is no one quite like her.

Joy was an avid pig collector. Their house was stuffed full of books, religious artwork, and pigs. To Joy's delight, very few pigs were harmed or blown away during the Joplin tornado.

Joy loved to read and enjoyed her time working part time in a book store before she retired.

Joy loved Jesus and she deeply embraced her Catholic faith. She was a good, faithful Catholic long before the rest of us in the McAdams family got our spiritual butt kicking/wake up call. I remember being shocked beyond anything when I found out she was a convert to the faith. Joy's identity was Catholic. I couldn't imagine it being anything other than that.

I remember being so in awe of Joy's devotion. She was always burnin' up the rosary beads. She had a separate rosary for each family member and you can guarantee she would pray for you. She wasn't the type of person that said she would pray for you just to say the words. You could rest assured that she was praying for you and whatever was troubling you.

There is a part in our Mass where the priest says to the congregation, "Lift up your hearts," and we reply, "We lift them up to the Lord." Well, Joy's heart was beyond no doubt lifted up to the Lord during Mass. She wasn't ostentatious or flashy. It was just very visible that she truly believed that Mass is where heaven and earth meet. Her whole face was transformed. Every word she said, every action she did, it was with love for her Savior.

She always wore a large crucifix necklace. She was proud of her Catholic faith. Because of this, I chose her to be my confirmation sponsor. It was nice to know that as I was receiving the gifts of the Holy Spirit I had a very holy woman standing behind me, praying that I made good use of these graces. (It took awhile, but I got there!) She also distributed the Body of Christ at my wedding. It was truly an honor for us that she was there to do that.

Joy was very holy. She did not waver in her orthodox beliefs of the Catholic Church. But what was so amazing about her was that she was not the "holier than thou" type. She did everything in the light of Christian charity. She did not condemn. She did not judge. She did not poke fun. She loved as Christ did. She had a happy faith. It wasn't all doom and gloom and hell fire for her. She saw the beauty of God's grace and the tremendous gifts he left us in the Church.

Her faith was child-like. And he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3) Joy accepted everything from God with faith. She looked to God with wonderment and awe. She truly saw him as a caring and loving Father who never abandons his children.

She was a kid at heart in everything she did. She was goofy. She was always smiling and laughing. She enjoyed Harry Potter and even went to the midnight release of the book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She had a little bit of fun-loving hippie funk in her. She definitely wasn't boring. She was truly full of life. Her name fit her perfectly because she just exuded joy.

Her first and foremost vocation in life was to be a faithful daughter of God. But right behind that was her vocation as wife and mother. She loved all her children fiercely. She made sure all their needs were met, even as they entered adulthood. She was truly caring.

But her marriage to her beloved Alan was truly something amazing. Talk about self-sacrificial love, well this couple has it. They put their love into action. Even though her health was starting to take a downward turn, she devoted herself to taking care of Alan when he was going through treatments for his lung cancer. She put his needs before her own. When Joy's health began to fail Alan in turn took care of his wife. When her mobility started to deteriorate, Alan was always there to help her around. Their love is a true example of what love really is. It is a choice. A choice to put your beloved before yourself. They both made sure the other one was happy before they met their own needs. Their marriage is a solid example of how God designed matrimony.

Their marriage was happy and fun. My Uncle Alan is known to be a bit of a goof ball. (OK, a huge goof ball) and Joy was a faithful wife who always laughed along. There was no eye rolling from her- just glee and a sparkle as Alan made the rest of us laugh. She and Alan always joked that no one knew Alan's name- they only knew Joy. Alan is simply known as "That guy with Joy." He even jokes that he will have that on his tombstone.

I know I mentioned this in a previous post, but Joy suffered a great deal these past two years. Arthritis had taken over her body. She first started out with a cane (which she named Horatio Caine after a favored CSI character. See, I told you she was funny!), then had to use a walker, and for the past year she has been in a wheelchair. I can't imagine the intense physical pain that she has gone through. But she never once complained. What hurt my Uncle Alan the most during this whole ordeal is how much suffering she has gone through when all she has ever done is love and serve others. The priest who came to anoint her before she died told my Uncle that the reason she suffers so much is because she CHOOSES to suffer with the crucified Savior. She has carried her cross in love to be united with Jesus. She chose this path. Someday when her children, grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews go to heaven they will see how much suffering they were spared in their life because Aunt Joy prayed so fervently for them and took on their suffering. She took on our suffering because she loves us so much. Joy is truly a saint.

I wonder if there was a deep spiritual battle going on while Joy was passing away. I can imagine the devil really wanted his greasy evil hands on her soul. But oh, my... I know there were multitudes of angels and saints just kicking the crap out of Satan and his minions. And Joy was right there, flaming sword and all, proclaiming her love of God.

Joy is happy now. She is so holy that I'm sure her toes just skimmed the fires of Purgatory and she is in eternal happiness. I mean, she is beyond words, so incredibly blissful. She is not suffering at all. She gets to walk and talk with family members that have gone before us. She gets to see colors that our eyes can't even comprehend. Her world is so beautiful and perfect. Absolutely perfect. All those countless hours she has run her hands across her rosary beads, well now she gets to hold her hand in our Blessed Mother's hand. She gets to embrace her living Savior. We have the Eucharist, which is pretty awesome, but she gets to see Christ in ALL his glory. So many times on this earth she has spoken, "Lord, Lord." but now she gets to hear from the lips of God, "Joy, welcome."

It is us, here on earth, the family and friends of Joy, who are the sad ones. We have a hole in our hearts. Life will not be the same without her smile and warmth. I sure hope I live a good life so I can someday get to heaven and be with Joy again.

But one thing is for sure.... I think some wonderful and amazing things will be happening in our lives because Joy is now in heaven praying for us. We are so blessed to have had her in our lives, but now even more blessed that we have our own saint in heaven looking down on us!

Thank you, Aunt Joy, for all you have done. You will be greatly missed. We love you so much.

More News on Joy

2012-01-18T14:37:00.004-06:00

Joy at the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in 2003.

It has been a long waiting game, and it continues to get longer.

It took a lot longer than they thought for her to reach her normal temperature. When she finally did they dialed back the sedation and how much the breathing tube was breathing for her. To our delight she moved her jaw and toe and was able to breathe with the breathing tube turned down lower.

However the results of the EEG they performed did not look promising. I think the minimal reading they wanted in hopes of her waking up was a 13 and her reading was only 4. They did a cat scan of her brain last night. She is definitely not able to breathe without the help of the breathing machine.

We were under the impression that my Uncle Alan would have to make the decision in the next day or two to continue to have Joy on the breathing machine. That isn't quite the case. The doctors are going to wait 7-10 days to make absolutely sure that no brain function will be regained before Alan is to make any final decisions. At first Alan was going to have all his kids come to their mother's side immediately, but after this news they are going to wait a few days before coming.

Things are still seriously critical. She is still making small movements, but they aren't sure if they are voluntary or just reflexes. There is still hope that she could wake up, so please, please, please continue your prayers! It is going to be a long week for our family.

Thank you!!!

Joe isn't looking forward to July...

2012-01-16T19:33:00.002-06:00

As you can see, Joe is not too happy about the news that he is going to welcome a baby brother or baby sister at the end of July!

Update on Joy

2012-01-16T10:35:00.004-06:00

Joy was my confirmation sponsor and also distributed the Precious Body at our wedding

The doctors started the process to warm Joy's blood back to regular temperature at 9:00 last night. They thought her temp would be stabilized around 6:00-ish this morning so they could slowly remove the sedation and breathing tubes. However, as of 10:45 this morning her temperature still has not reached where it needs to be. The doctors are not alarmed- she is older and her metabolism is slower, thus making this whole process a little slower than normal. They expect her to reach the temperature goal sometime this afternoon or evening.

I know my Uncle Alan seems pretty bummed out. He is anxious to see if this all has worked. Please continue to pray.

Joy and her daughter who gave her CPR until the paramedics arrived. This was taken at our family reunion almost two years ago.

Hopefully we will be updated soon. I do have another post that I was planning on publishing today that is unrelated to this. I should be getting that up later today.

Crazy, crazy, crazy weekend

2012-01-15T19:35:00.004-06:00

Wow. What a crazy weekend.

Yesterday morning my mom called to tell me that my Aunt Joy had suffered a heart attack and was in critical condition. She and my Uncle Alan live in Carthage, MO. (They lost their home last spring in the Joplin tornado. On Joy's birthday, no less!) Thank God her daughter Barb was there because she gave Joy CPR and kept her alive until the paramedics got there. If it weren't for her, who knows what would have happened. All we really knew at that point was that she was life flighted to a hospital in Springfield and it didn't look good.

My mom knew she was eventually going to make the 5 hour drive south so she could be there to comfort her brother. She was waiting around to hear from Alan. I knew that I wanted to go to support my uncle and also my mom, but was worried how Joe would deal with being waaaay out of his element. Thankfully my husband was generous and kind enough to tag along so he could help with Joe and be there to support us all.

We had about 2 hours before mom would be there to pick us up. In that time Joe decided to do something to take my mind off what was happening to my Aunt Joy.

We were letting Joe run around to blow off some steam before we left. He went over to the changing table. Then I heard Ryan yell, "NO! NO!" This wasn't the normal "No, no" that we usually yell. This was more serious. I ran over just in time to see Joe take yet another swig of baby oil. A couple days ago I had to use it to get some stubborn sticky poo off Joe's bum. I rarely ever use it and was in a hurry to get Joe diapered since he is so wriggly when I change his diaper, so I didn't put the lid on all the way.

I grabbed the bottle and Joe practically skipped away in glee with glistening baby oil all over his mouth. Of course the bottle said "DO NOT DRINK." Even though Joe seemed just fine, I wanted to call poison control just to be on the safe side. The nurse who answered was extremely nice. She first asked if Joe had choked or coughed when he first drank the baby oil. He didn't- he actually seemed to enjoy it! She said that was good because the biggest risk with drinking baby oil was choking and aspirating. She said the next problem, which wasn't a concern, was that baby oil is a laxative, so be prepared for some loose stools. She said to keep an eye on him for an hour and give him some bread and small amounts of milk. As I was talking to her on the phone he was running amok with a hat that was too small for his head on and blabbering and carrying on, so i wasn't too worried. She called back in an hour and since he was still being a crazy man and hadn't vomited she gave him an all clear.

I knew the day would come when I had to call poison control. Hopefully it will be the last! I felt so completely awful that it was my fault he gulped down the baby oil. Thank God he was just fine. Motherhood: you're always learning!

My mom picked us up later that afternoon. We got more news on Joy. The doctors were putting her through a process called therapeutic hypothermia. They very slowly cool her blood down. Once her blood temp got to 33.0 Celsius then she stays in that state for 24 hours. This is to reduce swelling in the brain due to the trauma of her heart attack. This is essentially to protect her body from damage from the heart attack. After 24 hours of being at 33.0 degrees they would slowly bring her temperature up, bring her out of sedation and unhook her from all the machines. There is a 50% chance she will never wake up.

When we finally got to Springfield we could tell that my Uncle Alan was so happy to see us. We sat in the waiting room with him and Barb while Joe entertained the whole crowd waiting in there. Later on that evening their son Todd and his wife came.

We finally got to see Joy during the very strict visiting hours. It was a very difficult sight to see. She was put in a paralyzing sedation, so she had to be on a breathing machine. She had numerous other tubes and IV's hooked up to her. She's always been so full of life. Always with a smile. It was very hard to see her in that state.

We left the hospital around 8:30 and went to our hotel. We all sat around and talked. It was so hard to see Alan so heartbroken and worried. It killed me to see the tears welling up in his eyes. I wish I could have taken the pain away from him.

Today we went to Mass and then back to the hospital. At around 9:00 last night she finally reached the 33.0 degrees. So tonight at 9:00 (in about 10 minutes from when I am writing this) they will start raising her temp. Sometime this coming morning we should know if this relatively new procedure will work. We don't know the answers to those looming questions of what if she doesn't wake up or what will she be like if she does?

It's a nervous waiting game and of course my family would appreciate any prayers you can send up to the heavens.

Joy has suffered so much these past two years. Her health has declined rapidly. She was actually supposed to have surgery last Wednesday to remove a benign tumor on her spine, but it was postponed due to a lack of equipment. If her heart was in this bad of shape who knows what could have happened during surgery. What hurts my Uncle Alan the most is how much suffering she has gone through when all she has ever done is love and serve others. The priest who came to annoint her told my Uncle that the reason she suffers so much is because she CHOOSES to suffer with the crucified Savior. She chooses this path. Someday when her children, grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews go to heaven they will see how much suffering they were spared in their life because Aunt Joy prayed so fervently for them and took on their suffering. How amazing is that?

I am so thankful for my family. I am so blessed with such a loving and close family that will come together in times of happiness and sadness. I am so thankful for medical technology. This therapy could save her neurological function. It could save her life. And then we can have many more years of joy with our dear Aunt Joy.

Thank you for the prayers.

Put on your big girl panties...

2012-01-10T14:49:00.010-06:00

*No Way Back When post today. This post has been on my mind and in draft form since last Friday. It's hard to get my words across, so please bare with me and any grotesque spelling and grammar rules I butcher!*

A couple of months ago I read a book called Unplanned. It is the story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic director. She worked tirelessly to help women in need and believed women had the right to choose what was best for them. Even though she was uneasy with the financial pushing for abortions by Planned Parenthood, she stayed on to ensure that women in crisis were helped in any way possible.

That all changed one day when she was asked to hold the ultrasound wand and witness first hand a 13 week baby being aborted through the ultrasound screen. From that day on her heart was changed and she began to realize she had to leave Planned Parenthood. She found refuge in a group that had been praying at the fence of the clinic since her first day as a volunteer. This group was called Coalition for Life.

The book was amazing and inspirational. I wasn't expecting anything less. Abby's story is so full of courage and strength. But what really got me thinking was the group Coalition for Life. Abby's book is full of stories of those people praying at the fence and calling out to women with love to tell them there are other choices. She talks about the 40 Days for Life event that started right there at the fence of her clinic.

I am pro-life. All the way. I'm not "kind of" pro-life thinking it's OK for a woman to get an abortion if she was raped or if the baby will have Down Syndrome or some other life-altering condition or if the woman's life is in danger. I'm also fully against the death penalty and torture. But would you know that by looking at my Facebook page or even my blog which is a little more "protected" against people who would disagree with me?

No.

I think I have mentioned this in a post before, but the reason I don't go all pro-life is because I know there are women who could read what I am writing or posting and become upset because they have had abortions. Cowardly of me? Yes. But these women may be hurting and I don't want to add to that hurt. But another reason I don't post pro-life stuff is because I know there are many people out there that are pro-abortion and will challenge me on my beliefs. Cowardly? Yes, times a million.

But part of me wonders if I would even have the courage to pray at an abortion clinic. No sign, no t-shirt- just stand and pray. I think I would even be too afraid to do that. I've heard of too many stories where the clinic workers, patients, and family members of patients hassle the people praying. It's not that I would be embarrassed to be seen there. I just wouldn't want to deal with someone challenging me.

Last Friday my dad unexpectedly came to visit. Joe was napping so there wasn't a lot of distraction. Without distraction my dad likes to veer the conversation into his two favorite topics- politics and religion. He is way out in left field on both topics.

Politics I can deal with. I despise politics, hate talking about them, hate election years, but that is because of the massive disrespect, arrogance and discord it causes among our nation. But I am neither conservative or liberal, so you can bash whoever because I pretty much think that politicians are like butt holes- we need them, but they are full of poop. So I pretty much zoned out when he was talking about how evil conservatives are and how they are ruining the United States.

But then he drifted on the subject of religion. There is no way I could zone out when my dad is going off on an array of topics such as: God is a loving God... he wouldn't create hell, so there is no hell; The Bible is not true; Jesus never said you had to believe in him to go to heaven; How he (my dad) doesn't believe in the Resurrection or miracles; How he was fed "bullshit" by his parents in regards to religion (his father, my grandfather, was a Protestant preacher and one of my most amazing men I have never known. Joe was named after him.); sexuality isn't connected to religion and how he is an agnostic and how there was no such thing as subjective truth. There were many other things that he ranted about, but one that bothered me was the fact that he doesn't like it when religious people "push" their beliefs on others, especially in regards to same-sex couples getting married and a woman's right to choose.

He's gone off on these tangents before. I did interject a few times on the hell subject, but that was about it. I just nodded my head and gritted my teeth. Conversations like these make me want to drink copious amounts of alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. They physically and emotionally drain me. But I have a toddler to distract me and it was a Friday, so Ryan and I got to relax and watch a movie later that evening. I got my mind off of the crapbag of a conversation I had with my father.

However, at around 3:00 in the morning Joe woke up and I nursed him. He quickly fell back asleep but I was wide freakin' awake. The words my dad had spoke just ran through me. All I could think about was how I didn't speak up. I was a theology major and I didn't know how to respond. It was as if all those classes, papers, exams, book reading- it had all melted out of my brain. My dad's bogus arguments didn't bother me, it was the fact that I didn't say anything at all.

I laid there in bed for about two hours just thinking about why I don't speak up on anything. I very rarely call anyone out for being rude and disrespectful. I don't defend my beliefs. I don't even share them, really. I finally came up with three major reasons I keep quiet.

1. I don't want to offend people and I have this unhealthy desire for people to like me.

I know I am easily offended when people post that parents who immunize their children are poisoning them. I get offended when people write that people against same-sex marriage are homophobes. I get offended when people write that conservatives are a bunch of right-wing religious nut jobs. So I don't write anything that might offend someone. People carry deep wounds. We don't always know what is going on in their lives. I never want to cause people to hurt. I don't want to come across as arrogant.

I am sure there are old friends of mine that think I am kind of nutso for embracing my Catholic faith because I was NOTHING like that when I was younger. I cringe at the thought of my hometown acquaintances laughing and talking behind my back because I don't use birth control and how I think that sex should be reserved for marriage. That goes for my family as well. I want people to like me. Isn't that pathetic? But Jesus didn't say if you follow him everything would be hunky dory. You will make enemies. You will lose friends.

It is really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that you CAN be friends with someone who has the complete opposite beliefs and views as you. My old college roommate is a die-hard Republican. Her statuses often reflect that. There is one woman who always either semi-makes fun of my former roomie for her beliefs or straight out starts to debate. One time I came to my friend's defense. I was so mad at this other chick for being so rude. I privately messaged my roommate and she responded with an "LOL." The girl who made these comments was a good friend of hers. She was just a die-hard Democrat and they didn't agree on anything politically or morally for that matter, but they still hung out and had fun together. I have heard lots of people where their best friend is on the complete opposite side in regards to politics and religion. But then I see examples like my father who basically will have nothing to do with his own brother because he is "too conservative." Some people can overcome their differences. Sometimes those differences can destroy relationships. It's a slippery slope.

I really admire those people who have a brave attitude and don't care about what others think. There are people who state their beliefs in a respectful way. If I don't agree I just read it and move on. I have lots of friends who post pro-life stuff and religious statuses and they never have anyone heckle them. Either all their friends think the same way they do, or they word their statuses in a way that doesn't invite hatred.

2. I am a coward and I don't want to look stupid.

I don't post stuff because I am a coward. Plain and simple. I don't want to invite debate because I don't want to debate at all. I'm afraid I won't be able to explain my position clearly. I can't find the right words sometimes. And let's face it- explaining religious beliefs isn't easy. It can be very complex especially if you are talking to someone who doesn't believe in certain things such as subjective truth or the Bible. I've seen people's status updates get 50+ comments from someone who just keeps arguing and throwing out random facts. It gets dizzying-ly complicated.

I am a part of a Mommy Group on Facebook and a girl I went to high school with asked for some birth control advice. She got plenty of suggestions. I thought about suggesting Natural Family Planning or Fertility Awareness Method. I didn't even have to go into the religious aspects of it, I could have just talked about how detrimental contraceptives are to a woman's health and well being, because there is medical proof in that. But did I? Of course not. I didn't want to look like a kook. I didn't want to start a debate. I am a bonafied scaredy cat.

I am truly a coward because my hands start sweating and my heart beats really fast when I am faced with a possible debate. In the instinctive fight or flight response I flee. I run as fast as I can. Miles and miles away. Then I hide myself.

If I do write a comment on someone else's Facebook status and stand up for myself or defend something I believe in (even something as stupid as Twilight) I won't read what other people say after me. I'm afraid of what they will have written about my comment.

Another reason I don't like to debate is because I am afraid I will get some fact wrong. Or that the person I am discussing a topic with will twist my words or twist the whole argument in a new direction. When it comes to philosophical arguments I am clueless. I wish I could be like this guy and really know how to debate with logic and calmness.

This is a long video but very interesting.

3. My emotions get in the way.

During the few times I did speak up to my dad I felt like it wasn't me talking. It was like someone took out my tongue and I was possessed with the mental capacity of a rock.

When people disagree with me and are even the slightest bit disrespectful I get MAD. Like Incredible Hulk mad. I cannot control my emotions and they show through since I am such a sensitive person. When I feel like I am being personally attacked I get VERY VERY defensive and start to get irrational. When I get mad then the inevitable happens- I cry. Then I get even more mad that I am crying. So then it's game over, epic fail for apologetics and evangelization.

Sometimes it is hard to talk politics and religion because some people are so so stubborn that they won't listen to any opposing side. They accuse others of being "close minded" but they are guilty of that themselves. Sometimes they bring out such outlandish comments that it seems like a huge waste of time. So when someone is stubborn and won't listen I get frustrated. It turns into a "Why won't you just listen to me?!" sort of argument, an argument that is need of being "won" and that is never a good tactic.

I can't take criticism. I take things too personally. I wish I could be like Simcha Fisher, the Archbold brothers at CMR and Bad Catholic and be able to take on troll-like comments. But I suppose it is different when you don't know those people who make mean and hurtful comments. It's probably easier to shrug off.

I wish I could be like my friends who post their anti-vax posts and Occupy protest articles. Because even though I vehemently disagree with them at least they have the courage to post it and take any criticism that comes their way.

************

I know there is a right way and a wrong way to express my beliefs. We must do all things in love. Sometimes the things we might post about religion may not seem like they were written with charity. It might appear as though we are trying to look holier than thou and condemn others. But I think most of my friends who do write this stuff, this stuff being the same stuff I believe in, are doing it out of love. Of course we should always be mindful of how we word things. That goes for everything in Internetlandia.

The way I try to express my beliefs is to practice what I preach. I am against birth control, so I use NFP. I think it is extremely important to go to Church so I participate in the Mass every Sunday. I show my beliefs by practicing them and if someone were to come up to me and ask, "So WHY don't you use birth control, you weirdo?" I would be more comfortable in answering them.

I have written before that nothing good in this life is easy. Parenthood and marriage aren't easy. It isn't easy to be Christian. It sometimes isn't easy to stand up for what you believe in. If it were easy they would call it, "Sitting down for your beliefs." (OK, I know that was stupid.) But the good things in life really are worth the effort and courage it takes to take part in them.

G.K. Chesterton once said, "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."

I want to be that living thing. I want to be that light of love to others. I want to bring truth. I want to please God. But it sure is hard when I am such a coward.

Way Back When Vol. 1: The Baby-Sitters Club

2012-01-05T14:24:00.010-06:00

I have another depressing, melancholic post coming up. However, I thought I would break up the regular boring posts of toddler adventures and my Mrs. Poopie Pants feelings and do something fun.

I'm going to start another series. My last series of Wondering Wednesdays hasn't gone quite how I wanted it, considering the last time I wrote a Wondering Wednesday post was nearly a year ago. This new series isn't quite as serious or thought provoking. It's going to be fun.

Every other week (or each week if I'm feeling up to it) I'm going to write a Way Back When post. I might even make it Way Back When Wednesday's, but I'm not going to get too ambitious. (I just now realized it is Thursday. D'OH!) In these posts I'm going to pick something from my childhood or teen years that is a special memory. Some of these you might remember. Some of these only people from my hometown or my family will understand. (Look for a post on 10th Street restaurant.)

But I thought it would be fun to write about something that doesn't emotionally drain me. It may bore you, my lovely readers, but maybe not. Maybe it will inspire you to think back on those happy days way back then.

My first Way Back When post will be about one of my favorite book series growing up: The Baby-Sitters Club

I was probably around nine years old when I started reading this series. My mom bought me the first few books and I was instantly hooked. Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne and Stacy were like the big sisters I never had. Their stories were so interesting. Each character was so different.

My favorite character was probably the quiet and shy Mary Anne. She wasn't as crazy and obnoxious as the other characters. I did however go through a very strange Claudia stage. Claudia Kishi was very artistic, wore funky clothes and made her own jewelry. I specifically remember designing my own outfit. It was jean shorts with knee length biker shorts underneath and some old Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt that was too big so I used a scrunchie to bunch up the extra material to make a sort of tail thingy on my hip. I also made my own necklace with some weird beads made out of paper. That was a totally awesome look, let me tell ya. The worst part of it... I wore it to a family reunion... so there is photographic evidence of my totally awesome look. Oh well, something to laugh about now!

Of course reading all these books about babysitting made me want to start my very own baby-sitters club. When I was about 11 years old, I got my cousin and best friend to join with me in this new exciting business endeavor! I was to be president (I was such a Kristy...) and we called it Kids Inc. The most exciting part- we had FLYERS. Not flyers we made ourselves, no, no, these were made on a COMPUTER! I think my mom used some old ancient print program with the wicked cool graphics and she printed it on the paper where you had to tear off the sides (is it called dot matrix paper?) Oh my goodness... it was top notch! We were going to be gazillionaires! But, according to my diary, my best friend's dad wouldn't let her be in the club unless she took a baby-sitting class first, which wasn't offered anywhere near our hometown. I'm not sure why I didn't continue my grand idea with my cousin. We were probably in a fight. We were like sisters and fought all the time. Alas, my dreams of changing the course of babysitting in my hometown were dashed. I did eventually get over it.

Then of course there were the BSC VHS tapes I had of the TV series and I just HAD to go see the movie in theaters in 1995! I remember at the back of each BSC book there was a tear-out order form to be a part of the fan club. I think you got a pink watch and some other cool stuff. There was also an order form for the dolls. I always wanted to send these order forms out, but never did. I did have some of the special merchandise- the Secret Santa BSC book, the Guide to Babysitting book and the Post Card BSC book. But my most treasured item of all? The autographed picture of the author of The Baby-Sitters Club, Ann M. Martin. I had written her a letter and to my delight she wrote me back. My eleven-year-old self was over the moon!

I think the real reason I loved this series so much was because the girls of the books were stepping into their teen years, and I was just a few years from that milestone. I couldn't wait to become a teenager. I couldn't wait for lockers and dances and notes from your crush passed in the hallway. I was excited for the days of getting more responsibility and more freedom. Eleven years old is a strange time. I was still very much a child, but wanted so badly to be an adult. I don't think the term "tween" was around back then. The girls of The Baby-Sitters Club gave me something to look forward to, something to yearn for.

I still have some of my copies of the BSC. Sadly, I never read them all. I outgrew them before I had a chance to finish the series. I think the last one I remember reading was #100 Kristy's Worst Idea. I see the last one was #131 The Fire at Mary Anne's House (uh, WHAT?!!)

To end this post I present you a clip from The Baby-Sitters Club TV show episode of Dawn Saves the Trees. And yes, that is Zach Braff from Scrubs. Excellent!

What were some of your favorite book series growing up?

But it is all worth it...

2012-01-04T10:35:00.006-06:00

Yesterday I wrote, somewhat in a panic, of my concerns and frustrations of my toddler son gone wild.

His sleeping/screaming in his crib has gotten better, which means I am getting more sleep, which means I am less "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

I wrote on a Facebook group that I am a part of about my woes of Joe turning into a toddler crack head. A friend of mine joked that I was knocking time off purgatory. Another girl joked that getting out of purgatory early would be worth it. That got me thinking: I don't ever ask myself "Is motherhood worth it?"

I don't ever think that because I always know that yes, motherhood is worth all the tears, frustrations and bodily fluids that somehow always end up on me. There is no doubt.

Joe destroys. He kicks and bites. He climbs on everything (see above.) He screams at decibels that I think only dogs can hear. And he looooooooooves to pull hair, as you can see in the photo below.

This photo cracks me up every. time. I love the look on Joe's face!

Sometimes it seems that the naughty moments Joe has outweighs the fun, happy and hilarious moments.

But I know that isn't true. Dealing with Joe's temper and stubbornness takes a lot more effort out of me than when he's his happy-go-lucky self.

Last night as I was nursing Joe, I was about to drift off to sleep when Joe stopped nursing. I looked down to see if he had fallen asleep, but in the dim light I could see he was looking up at me. He gently put his hand on my cheek and moved my face closer to his. He leaned in. He always leans towards me when he wants me to give him a kiss. I gently kissed his nose and he smiled and turned away to go back to sleep. That is what makes all the chaos worth it. Love.

Loving isn't easy. Nothing great and wonderful in this life is easy. Marriage isn't easy. Family life isn't easy. Pregnancy and childbirth aren't easy. Being a child of God definitely isn't easy. But the amazing things in life are worth working for. The things in life that are easy? Well, they just aren't as fun. They just aren't as great.

Even though Joe knows exactly how to push my buttons, I am grateful that he is becoming his own little person. I am thankful he still randomly comes up to me to hug me and give me a kiss, because someday he will shudder in horror at the thought of hugging and kissing his mother. He is changing so much and so quickly.

Motherhood is hard. I will never have it all figured out. But I love my vocation (maybe not every single screaming second of it) but it is all worth it.

Welcome to Toddlerdom

2012-01-02T15:33:00.003-06:00

This child moves so fast you can't catch him on film.

My 16 month old son has become a terror overnight.

I'd like to blame it on the craziness of the holiday season. I'd also like to blame it on Ryan's genes.

Let me back up to Christmas Eve. If you remember I asked for advice if I should take Joe to Midnight Mass. I got lots of encouragement to take him or to just wait and see how he is when we woke him. One girl on Facebook said I was crazy for taking Joe out of his nice warm bed and taking him out into the cold into a bright church.

What I was most worried about was how Joe would react to seeing me in the choir loft. He is pretty attached to me and sometimes he only wants me- daddy or Grandma won't do. We went ahead and brought him. I warned the organist that I might have to leave, but would be back to sing the communion hymn with the rest of the choir. Well, that is exactly what I had to do. I looked down on the congregation and saw that Joe was getting fussy. I looked and saw that the youngest kid there besides Joe was 10 years old. There were no babies, no toddlers, so Joe kind of stuck out like a sore thumb.

After the few songs we sang before Mass Joe spotted me and it was game over. I had to leave and join my husband in the pew. I was sad to leave the choir because I've been singing with them for 12 years. I've said since I got married that "this will be my last year singing" but I always get roped back in. I'm like the Brett Favre of choral singers.

Mass went smoothly as soon as I went down there. When I left for communion and sang with the choir Joe was distracted by my mom's sparkly red bracelet. Overall I was happy with the experience, but just the fact that I was stressed made me realize that Joe is changing.

Last Wednesday Joe got very sick. He threw up multiple times in the evening. First time that has ever happened. It was like a scene from the Exorcist. We bought him some Pedialyte but he would not drink it at all. He took a few sips of water and thankfully he nursed because I wanted to make sure he got enough fluids.

The next day I tried everything to get him to drink something. For the past few weeks he just hasn't been drinking like he normally does, but since I still nurse him and he still has plenty of wet diapers I wasn't too concerned. Well after he threw up so much I was desparate for him to drink. I tried different cups. I tried tricking him. I sometimes had to force some down his throat. Thankfully, through the beauty of facebook advice I diluted some Pedialyte (even though it said right on the bottle not to) and Joe drank it up no problem. He drank and drank and drank. I felt like a scientist that had just solved a problem or a detective that just cracked a case.

Joe slept fine that night he was sick. The next day when he was drinking his Pedialyte he was back to his old self. He took a short nap that afternoon in his crib.

All hell broke loose that night.

For some reason Joe did NOT want to go in his crib. When I placed him in there he clung to me. He hasn't done that since he was about 7 months old. He screamed bloody murder for what seemed like forever. We finally let him stay up and watch a movie with us and he dozed off. But when I put him back in his crib he was up and BAM... more screaming. I finally just had to call it a night at 9:00 and go to bed and take Joe with me. He slept fine with me.

At 6:50 he was -ZING!- wide awake. Usually I can put him back in his crib with some books and he can entertain himself or he will fall back asleep and I can sleep in until 8:00. Not this time. He did not want to go back in his crib and wanted to go play. I had to use every ounce of strength to get myself out of bed. (I know some of you mama's out there do get up that early or earlier every day. Please don't judge me! Joe had me spoiled by letting me sleep in!)

So all day long I was in a zombie state while Joe refused to go down for his morning quiet time or his nap. And boy, was he a pistol all day long. That night was pure hell. He didn't cry- he screamed. He jumped up and down screaming. He rattled the sides of his crib. All this for 2 and a half hours. I went in two times to try and comfort him so he wouldn't feel totally abandoned. Finally he fell asleep.

The next morning he was up again at the butt-crack of dawn and I laid there in tears. I was so extremely tired. For the first time since Joe was a newborn and I had no clue what I was doing I felt like motherhood was a cruel joke. Thankfully my husband took Joe and let me sleep in.

I decided to go on a shopping quest. Joe doesn't really have a night light. He has a sound machine that projects light on the wall but it only lasts for 10 minutes. I wondered if perhaps he was starting to get scared of the dark (which I kind of doubted since he was the same during the day as he was a night.) I bought him a turtle that projects stars on the ceiling and lasts for 45 minutes. I bought a calming lullaby CD. Maybe some light and some calm music would help him.

We tried it that night and to my surprise it kind of worked! He still screamed for about 30 minutes, but he finally fell asleep. Maybe it was the lights and music or maybe it was because he was so tired. But he was asleep and I was happy.

His new thing is getting up super early. My husband has been awesome and let me sleep in this weekend. He is still fighting his naps and bedtime.

He is getting more and more stubborn and frustrating. He is getting more and more picky with his food. He is getting more and more demanding. He used to be so easy-going and laid back. Sure, I'd have to get up with him 3 or 4 times a night to nurse him, but he'd always go to bed easily and sleep in. He used to never be fussy unless he was teething. No new teeth to report nowadays.

Today Joe was quite the crazy kid. Throwing food and throwing a fit at the restaurant. First time playing in the toilet water. Getting into the curio cabinet full of my mom's nice breakable knick knacks. Throwing a full-out tantrum at the grocery store. He looks at me right before he does something naughty. He is learning to push his boundaries.

I had a usual Maggie-Meltdown and my mom witnessed it. Motherhood is so hard. SO HARD. I sometimes feel I don't have enough self-sacrifical love to be a good mom. I have always read and heard other mommy stories about how difficult their toddler behaved and I guess I've just always been naive or in denial because I never thought Joe would be difficult. Both my mom and Ryan's mom have made the comment that Joe is getting into the Terrible Two's early. But I keep going into panic mode thinking that things are just going to get more and more difficult. Soon he'll really be talking and talking back to me. Soon he'll be even more independent. Then he'll be a teenager and I think I really might lose it then. Yes, I know, I know, there will be far more good/happy times then frustrating ones, but right now I'm feeling pretty down.

Now is the time to really start thinking about how I will discipline him. How I will handle his picky eating habits. How I will handle his tantrums. Before I kind of felt like the ultimate play-mate to Joe. I played with him and made sure he was safe, happy and healthy. Now I have to shape this very independent and stubborn attitude. I have such a huge responsibility and that scares the crap out of me. Of course I have my husband by my side to figure things out with and family and friends to lean on for support and advice. But I am really afraid that I am going to screw up.

I don't regret becoming a mother. It is my vocation, after all. But damn, is it hard. I knew it wouldn't be all lollipop's and rainbows, but, wow...

*Please excuse any typos or horrible grammatical errors. I think I should have asked for a new brain for Christmas.

On this third day of Christmas...

2011-12-27T20:14:00.004-06:00

I don't know why, but I always get sad when Christmas Day is over. Yes, yes, I know that it is technically still Christmas until the Epiphany, but I just feel like all the magic and splendor of the Christmas season is gone. Christmas morning comes, the presents are opened, and just like that- poof- it's gone. People take down their Christmas trees that day. The neighborhoods are cold and dark with no twinkling lights to shine in the night.

I always get so emotional on Christmas Day, probably due to lack of sleep. However, the days following it I am still morose. For some reason I hate New Year's Eve. I hate all the specials on TV about the year in review. I hate when things come to an end, even something as inevitable as the year. I've always had this melancholy depressed feeling watching the Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with all the peppy pop culture hoopla and excited people lining the streets of Times Square. Maybe it stems back from when I was in elementary and high school. I knew that once New Years Day came then that meant back to school in two or three days, and that was no fun. Maybe it is because I know there is about three months of crappy, cold and snowy weather. Yes, the first few snows of winter, especially around Christmas are pure magic, but after that I'm sick of it and ready for spring.

I wish the joy of celebrating Christ's birth would storm into my heart. I wish I could be like this:

End of the year blah's. Yay. It doesn't help that I feel like the last 15 months of lack of sleep is catching up with me.

Hopefully this Mrs. Poopy-Pants attitude with go away soon.

Toddlers and Midnight Mass?

2011-12-20T10:54:00.004-06:00

I really thought I'd get some great blog posts out during this Advent season. I have oodles of ideas in my head. One of them is how I don't feel close to our Blessed Mother Mary. At all. Another is how my idea of babies, pregnancies and infertility has changed since I was a teenager.

But I've been sooooooo veeeeeeeery tiiiiiiiiiired. My brain feels like a gobbily gook of mush and I fear I cannot get any intelligent words out. So I suppose these posts will have to wait until my brain solidifies.

However, there is one topic I want to address. I need opinions and experiences.

Should my husband and I take our nearly 16 month old toddler to Midnight Mass this year?

We took him last year, but he was only about 3 months old and slept through almost the whole Mass. I think there was one time Ryan had to take him downstairs because he was fussing. But I nursed him and he was back to sleep. No problems.

This year is a different story. We have a very loud, active and mobile little person on our hands. This is a little church so people will notice a screaming child. My hometown parish is very small so I doubt there will be many other little kids there adding to the chorus of jibber jabber. I also have to sing in the choir, so it will be up to my mom and Ryan (and my brother perhaps) to wrangle Joe.

It seems like it would be too much of a hassle to wake him up and bring him to Mass (which is actually at 11:00 p.m.) I have no idea how Joe would react to being woken up, even though he still wakes up frequently throughout the night. It just seems a little too tricky to me.

But I so want him to go! I know he's too young to really know what is going on, but I just want our whole family there. If Joe doesn't go, Ryan would stay home with him and it just wouldn't be the same. Then I keep thinking to the future, if God blesses us with more children, will it always be this way? I go to Midnight Mass with the older kids while Ryan stays home with the baby? Will I have to wait until all our kids are quite a bit older for us all to go as a family? That just bums me out.

I am a strong believer in bringing babies/toddlers/children to Mass. (You should read this amazing post by Kate Wicker!) I also believe that if they are being too loud and disruptive then it is appropriate to remove them from the situation until they can behave themselves.

I suppose we can just play it by ear. If Joe throws a holy fit when we wake him up then perhaps Ryan will stay with him. We will just wait and see!

So what does your family do? What experiences good and bad have you had when bringing your toddler to Midnight Mass? Thanks for any help you can give me!!!

Be Kind. Be Compassionate.

2011-11-30T14:27:00.007-06:00

This morning I woke up to learn my favorite weatherman, Don Harman from Fox 4 News, had died. I have watched Don Harmon since I was a freshman in high school. Mr. Harman was hilarious and wacky. He had such a good camaraderie with the anchors of the morning show. The light-hearted, fun-loving atmosphere he created made me want to watch the news in the morning because it wasn't all about murders, scams, and car accidents.

The station was keeping tight-lipped about the situation because not all of his family members had been notified. I kept wondering what it was that claimed his life. Had he been in a car accident that morning on the way to work? Perhaps he suffered a heart attack. When I got on the internet the rumor was swirling around- suicide. Suicide??! How on earth could this man who was so funny, so fun-loving, and knew he was adored by many in Kansas City kill himself? This man who was only 41 years old, with a wife and a young daughter... what was going on inside his head that made him feel like he was beyond help? What was going on inside his head to make him feel that his life wasn't worth living?

I don't know why his death affects me so. I had never met him. I feel a heaviness in my heart, not just because Mr. Harman's death, but just because I am sometimes overwhelmed at what seems like an enormous amount of darkness and sadness in this world.

Don Harman's suicide makes me realize that you never really know what is going on in a person's life. He appeared so confident and happy, but that was apparently a mask. How many people do we encounter everyday that are on the verge of suicide or having a mental break down?

I saw on the news today that the number one reason people dislike the holiday season is because they are "forced" to be nice to others; others meaning mostly their family and friends that they would rather not be nice to.

What is wrong with being nice? What is wrong with being kind? I suppose if someone is nice as opposed to being strong-willed they are considered weak. They are considered fluff compared to a stone.

What is wrong with keeping our mouths shut when we want to say mean and hurtful things? We take delight in saying mean things because it's funny and a thrill to demean someone.

It is easy to lose our patience. It is easy for us to snap. The holiday is a stressful time, but we need to remember that we are not the only person on this planet. There are others out there that are just as stressed, if not more. Our feelings, wants, desires are not the only feelings out there.

Instead of snapping at a cashier to get the line moving faster why don't you take a second and look at her name tag. Yes, she is a person who has a name, not just a corporate tool that scans your merchandise and takes your money. She is a person who has worries and fears and joy and excitement. She is a person who possibly is a single mother and this is the only job she could find to support her two children. Instead of complaining to her, or even cutting her off and being short with her when she tries to make conversation, how about you compliment her earrings. Tell her thank you for what she does. Tell her how much you admire her for working in the retail business during the holiday season. Tell her Merry Christmas.

Instead of throwing a fit that you didn't get fries with your extra value meal why don't you take a second to remember that the gentleman who took your order doesn't have it out for you to make sure you don't have your fries. People make mistakes. People get distracted. Sure, there are the occasional lazy-bones people out there that don't put in the effort to make sure your order is correct, but have a little more faith in people. Maybe this kid who has taken hundreds of food orders that day is tired because he had to wake up extra early to take his mother to chemotherapy and has two finals to study for when he gets home. Maybe he is distracted for good reason.

There are some things in life that are good cause for us to speak up and say something. Voicing our concerns about some things in life is necessary. But let us keep our priorities straight. Being mean to the teen who bags our groceries for accidentally dropping the bottle of spaghetti sauce isn't necessary.

We live in a world where rudeness and hostility rule, a teenage girl can be hailed as a free-speech hero for making disrespectful comments to an adult (who happens to be the governor of Kansas) and where people can tear each other apart while hiding behind a computer screen. I stay away from comboxes where people can easily accuse the authors of being bad parents, bad Catholics, and destined for hell because they believe in XYZ.

The world can't be all lollypops and sparkly unicorn glitter. There are people out there who are sarcastic and cynical. God made us all different and it's good to have a little spice and crunch in our lives. But no matter what our disposition is, we must be careful of our words. We must be careful of our actions.

Our words and actions can make or break someone's day. Our words and actions represent more than just ourselves. They represent our parents, our church, our country. It is not all about me, me, me.

I see the darkness of life and the sadness that seems to overshadow everything. I sometimes wonder what kind of world I have brought my child into. I hope to raise my son and future children to bring LIGHT to the world instead of darkness.

I have a different take on Advent this year. I wait for the coming of our Savior. I see the darkness of our world and I know that Christ has defeated it and has brought light to our world. He does it every single day.

There is good in this world. There is such incredible good in this world that it busts through the darkness of sadness and tragedy. God helps us to become that light that crashes through. It can begin with us.

May God bless the soul of Don Harman and bring comfort and peace to his family during this tragic time. May he rest in peace.

May God bless all those who are affected by suicide.

May God bless those who are sad and lonely this holiday season.

Unusual Parenting Questions

2011-11-27T19:50:00.005-06:00

There are some things you can't find in "the books." I have a few unusual parenting questions to ask y'all. You can tell I'm a first-time mom.

First of all, my son has a mullet. He's been a major baldy most of his life. However, his hair has grown at a very fast rate these past few months- but it is all in the back of his head! I've noticed that his hair is starting to fill out in the front, but just the front center part. He looks like he has a major receding hairline.

I've contemplated trimming his hair in the back. Sometimes it just looks so scraggly and gross. But other times I don't even notice. However, at Thanksgiving dinner, a family member pointed out his mullet. Their comments don't bother me (SHOCK!!!) but it just makes me wonder if I should attempt a trim.

Here are some pictures I took after his bath the other night. What do you think? (I think his hair looks longer since it is wet.)

Yes, he is brushing his luscious locks!

So if I should trim his hair, how in the blue blazes do I do that? Keep in mind this is the same child that I want to duct tape to the changing table when changing his diaper because he wants to do a double back flip with a round-house kick off the table. He is the same child that makes me think that bathing a 20 lb catfish on crack would be easier than bathing him. He is the same child that when I cut his nails it sounds like I am cutting his fingers off.

My next question- do you buckle your child in their car seat while they are wearing their winter coat? I read in a parenting magazine that you should take off the winter coat because it creates a kind of poofy air pocket and if there is a car crash there isn't as much support on the harness so there is a greater chance of injury. The author suggested taking the coat off when you buckle them in the seat. So you have their coat on for a total of 5 seconds while walking to the car before you have to take it off, and then put it back on again when getting out. It just seems like a lot of work. But I've never really had to buckle in a child during the winter, so I'm clueless! I understand if it is a long trip you should take it off because they'd get hot and uncomfortable, but what about short trips to the grocery store?

My final question- at what point do you put a pillow in the crib? Joe is a restless sleeper. I put him down to sleep one way and an hour later he is in the exact opposite position. I'm just kind of thinking down the road when we transition Joe into a toddler bed. I was going to get him a Sesame Street pillowcase and blanket, but I won't if it will be a waste of time and money.

Thanks for your help!

My Theological Defense/Critique of theTwilight Saga

2011-11-21T10:49:00.000-06:00

I've always wanted to write a post defending/critiquing the Twilight series. I feel that almost every good Catholic blogger I frequent seems to think this series is pure crap and anyone who reads it is the most unintelligent peon known to mankind.

But I never really cared enough to defend the series. People are entitled to their own opinions and I have other posts I'd rather write. Besides, I felt I had to write a weighty tome of my defense and I have been too lazy to dive deep into Twilight.

However, after reading some comments in the blogosphere regarding this series that were simply redonkulous, I feel the urge to add my 2 cents. Not that anybody cares, but I just want those faithful, orthodox Catholics who are afraid to come out of the woodwork for enjoying this series to know they are not alone.

NOTE:

1. If you haven't read the books, I don't even wanna debate this with you. Period.

2. There are spoiler alerts galore in here.

First of all, I can see what the uproar is about. This series appears to boil down to the fact that Edward is a psycho-vampire-stalker-possesive dude. Who sparkles. And Bella is this chick who falls instantly in love with said dude so much to the point that she basically has a manic depressive shutdown for several months after he breaks up with her. Not exactly the type of relationship you want your teenagers to model.

I watched the movie before I read the book. I thought the first movie sucked big time crap-bags. The storyline is basically Bella and Edward staring intensely at each other and rock music in the background. Lots and lots of staring and angst. And then there is Bella walking around with her mouth gaped open like some fish out of water. Feel free to disagree, but I believe Kristen Stewart does not do the character of Bella justice. Sure, Miss Stewart's real-life antics are similar to Bella's- the clumsiness (she dropped the statuette she won at the MTV Movie Awards a couple of years ago), the shyness, the outsider-going-against-the-grain persona, etc. but for goodness sake, Kristen Stewart- show some emotion in these movies and close your damn mouth!

Ahem.

*UPDATE* Part of this was written before I watched the latest film Breaking Dawn. Kristen Stewart does a MUCH MUCH MUCH better job of acting in this movie. I felt like it took three movies for her to finally get Bella. But her mouth still annoys me. ***

So after I watched the movie I decided to read the book. I wanted to see what the hype is about. The book is always better than the movie, right? This proved to be true with Twilight. The plot was pretty much the same as the movie, but of course there was so much more internal dialogue in the book. All the times where Bella was looking like a curious, confused puppy dog at Edward in the movie- well, now I knew what she was thinking. She isn't as dumb as she looks in the movies.

*TEENAGE RELATIONSHIPS*

When I read the book I was still hung up on the very intense feelings Bella and Edward had for each other. It seemed over the top. But then I looked back on my own relationships in high school and how over the moon I was for my boyfriend. I remember the thrill and excitement of holding hands, first kisses and simply being with each other. And I remember the times I was dumped and how heartbroken I was and how I felt life would never be the same.

I can see the concern for young women reading this. They can get a pretty messed up view of what relationships are supposed to be. But let's give our teenagers a little bit of credit. Surely they know that this is a work of FICTION since there's that whole vampire/werewolf thing going on in the story. I feel like it is similar to the fears of children reading Harry Potter. Does reading Harry Potter set up kids for curiosities about the occult? Maybe, but not so much. Does Twilight set up young women looking for brooding, mysterious men? Maybe, but isn't that in like every romance novel ever written? I feel that it comes down to the parents. Would I let my teenage daughter read this book? Yes, when she is older and when I can talk to her about the story. I think it is a great way to open up the dialogue between parents and teens about young romance and how not to be stupid and think you are going to get married at 15 because this guy is PERFECT and how he would never break your heart.

The whole Edward following Bella around before they start dating and how he gets really possessive with her when she is with her guy-pal-werewolf, Jacob, is a touch creepy. The way they show it in the movies is REALLY creepy. However, I remember that this is FICTION and the reason for Edward's intensity toward Bella is because he is drawn to her blood and how he can't read her mind when he can read everyone else around him. It makes her even more alluring. It isn't normal. Because it is MAKE BELIEVE.

The possessive thing... well, that's a slippery slope. The impression I got in the books was the reason Edward is so possessive is because he is honestly concerned for Bella's safety. She was going into a community where when people get ticked off they turn into behemoth sized wolves and would probably tear her to shreds. And he isn't allowed on their land to protect her. It's not because he views Bella as his property. I think that is pretty reasonable. But, in the movie Edward and Jacob practically pee all over Bella to mark their territory... not really in the books.

*CHASTITY*

Some people see the books as a good example of chastity. Bella practically begs to do the horizontal mambo and Edward says no. Why? Because he'd probably snap her in half because he's a vampire and very strong. But mostly it is because he is from the early 1900's era and believes sex is for marriage. He doesn't want to cause Bella to sin. He really does love her and cares about her eternal soul. In the book Eclipse there is a scene where Bella is convinced that this will be the night that she loses her virginity to Edward. When I was reading this I was saying to myself, "Stephenie Meyer- do not give into the bull-crap of modern day society and have them do it before they get married! It would be so frakking typical!" She didn't disappoint.

I would have pulled some quotes from the actual book, but my Twilight books are in storage. So you'll have to settle with a quote from the movie.

Bella and Edward and making out on a bed. Bella starts unbuttoning her blouse. Edward stops and says, "Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off." Bella stops and is confused and hurt. She shakes her head and says to Edward that she feels like a villain trying to steal his virtue. Edward then says he wants to "do it right" and get married first even though he knows that isn't a modern day notion. Bella sticks it to him- "Yeah, that's not modern. It's ancient." Then Edward says,

"I'm from a different era. Things were a lot less complicated. And if I'd met you back then, I would have courted you... would have taken you to chaperoned strolls, ice tea on the porch. I may have stolen a kiss or two, but only after asking your father's permission. I would have got down on knee and I would've presented you with a ring."

At this point Edward officially proposes (he had done so many times through out the series and she said no) with his mother's ring. Bella says yes. Does she say yes just so she can do the naked shimmy shake with Edward later on? Ehh... hard to tell.

Buuuuuut.... it also says in the books that Edward stays practically every night with Bella in her room. That's not exactly practicing the virtue of chastity. That's inviting the temptation to sin. Sure, it says they "talk" and have all these deep discussions, but come on. Beautiful teenage girl- handsome teenage (kind of) guy who happens to be a vampire laying together on a bed- add in the teenage hormones and it's just a big mess. It's just a tad contradictory.

*THE ETERNAL SOUL*

So there's a problem when your boyfriend is a vampire who doesn't age and you are a mortal human. It just turns awkward when you are an 90 year old wrinkled old lady and your hubby is a hunky 17 year old.

So what do you do?

Become a vampire, of course!

Bella is all about it. She's like, "Soul? Who needs a soul? Soul schmoul!" It seems that every other chapter contains a conversation between Edward and Bella about him turning her. She begs for this more than for doing the freaky freak in the bedroom. Edward says no. He believes that since he is a vampire and immortal he has no soul and is therefore destined for hell if he were ever killed. He doesn't want to do that to Bella's soul. If she were to become a vampire she could never see her family or friends again because she'd want to kill them and suck their blood. He wants her to grow old and gray and live a full life with her own babies and grandchildren. He would sacrifice his own happiness if it meant Bella leading a normal happy life and getting to heaven.

But Bella doesn't listen to him and arranges for one of Edward's vampire family members to change her, even though it would be more special if he were the one. He finally agrees to change her. If she'll marry him. So she gets sex and a vampire change if she gets married. How... romantic?

In hindsight I do see Bella embracing the thought of marriage and knowing the consequence of becoming an immortal. And it seems she wants to be a vampire not just to be with Edward.

"This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. It was between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step. Like literally stumbling through my life. I've never felt normal, because I'm not normal, and I don't wanna be. I've had to face death and loss and pain in your world, but I've also never felt stronger, like more real, more myself, because it's my world too. It's where I belong."

Edward says, "So it's not just about me?"

"No, sorry."

*BELLA AND THE HARRY POTTER COMPARISON*

Feminist is a tricky term. So it is hard to really go much into this topic.

I never really agreed that Bella is anti-feminist. Bella saves Edwards life twice in the series. She's not always the damsel in distress.

Sure she has a nervous breakdown when Edward breaks up with her. Many like to compare her to the heroines in Harry Potter:

Of course Hermione and Ginny are much stronger characters than Bella. But they were facing domination of their world by the most evil, sinister wizard that ever walked the earth. Bella was dumped. She wasn't facing certain destruction so I think it was acceptable for her to be a typical teenage girl and mope. And she didn't jump off the cliff to kill herself- just to clear up that little misconception. There is a quote out there supposedly by Stephen King that says, "Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."

These are two completely different stories. Yes, they are both fantasy. They are both fiction. But they aren't the same. They just aren't. Yes, the stories of Harry Potter are 90 gazillion times better than the Twilight series. JK Rowling's storytelling is borderline genius. I'm not that much of a Twihard. But I just find it hard to compare these books.

I don't believe that Twilight is just about the importance of finding a boyfriend. It is about true love, facing danger, friendship and much more.

*PRO-LIFE*

This was one thing that really made me respect the series. In the final book Edward and Bella get married. They go on a honeymoon and renew their marriage vows. A lot. Then, unexpectedly, impossibly- Bella gets pregnant. This half-human/half-vampire hybrid grows at an alarming rate and is literally sucking the life out of Bella. Bella wants to continue with the pregnancy even though she may die. And then Edward goes and knocks himself down a few pegs on my respect-o-meter and wants to kill the baby.

Edward seems like a pretty decent moral being. He cares about Bella's soul. He doesn't her want to fall into sin. He wants to save sex for marriage. In the beginning of the movie Breaking Dawn it seems that Edward does show a respect for life. He confesses to Bella that when he first became a vampire he killed humans. (The Cullen family don't feed off human blood. They feed off animal blood.) He always targeted men who were murders and rapists. Bella reassures him, "You probably saved more people than you killed." Edward says, "I used to tell myself that, but in the end- they are still human. I saw the look in their eyes when I killed them." So Edward sees that the ends don't justify the means! Huzzah! But later on he wants to kill what is growing inside Bella. D'oh!

Bella's maternal instinct kicks in early and she fights to maintain the pregnancy. Finally Edward can hear what the baby is thinking while still in utero and comes to realize that this isn't a monster- it his child and they will figure out a way to help Bella through this fatal pregnancy.

I was curious how the movie would portray this topic. I had read in an entertainment magazine a few months ago that the producers and director were going to stay away from a primary pro-life message. Even Kristen Stewart scoffed at the idea that this movie would be pro-life. I was worried that the movie would straight up piss me off by changing the plot of the book and showing Bella having second thoughts on keeping her child. Then I read this article on LifeSiteNews before I saw the movie. I thought the article was a little over the top, but I was still concerned. After seeing the movie tonight I have to respectfully disagree with the folks at LifeSiteNews (although I agree with pretty much everything else they write about.) I was pleasantly surprised at how strong the pro-life message was.

When Bella realizes she is pregnant she is very surprised. In the book she suddenly realizes just how badly she wants to be a mother. It was a deep, hidden, natural desire. This comes through in the movie. When she discovers she is pregnant Bella stands in front of a mirror caressing her belly. While Edward is running around freaking out she is standing there not in fear- but in joy. In amazement. She smiles. Edward comes to her and tells her, "I will get it out of you." Her smile fades away. "It?" she whispers. Suddenly she is afraid. Not for her well-being, but for the baby. Their miracle, as she calls her baby later in the movie.

All except one of her in-law's (Rosalie) insist she destroy the fetus. Even her best friend Jacob tries to convince her. In anger he tells Edward, "I knew you weren't good for her." Edward's sister comes to his defense and yells "The fetus isn't good for her!" Rosalie shouts back, "Fetus? Use the real word, Alice! It's a baby in there! Just a little baby!"

Later on Edward is arguing with Bella to save her own life because he doesn't want to lose her. Carlisle, her physician father in law tells her that she will indeed die. She assures Edward that this baby will be a part of her that lives on. She emphatically defends the life of their child. There are so many other great pro-life quotes and examples in this movie. I wished I had a notebook to write some of them down.

Yes, there are anti-life attitudes in the movie. The reason Edward and his family are so against having the baby is because they don't think the baby is human. That sounds awfully anti-life- you know the whole "A fetus isn't human. It's just a clump of cells." But that's not the deal with Edward's family. Remember they are vampires and they truly believe that what is inside her is a monster-literally. I think it is important to show the anti-life side because it shows the beauty and purity of Bella's choice. The audience roots for Bella. They are on her side. When the side of life prevails it makes the story so much richer.

*THE BOOKS VS. THE MOVIES*

I have read the series twice now. I think they are great stories. I love how Stephenie Meyer dives into the back story of how the Cullen's became vampires. She also weaves a beautiful story of Jacob's Native American tribe and how they became wolves. I will admit that the author isn't the greatest writer in the world. I've read much better, but I have also read worse. She could have taken this series to the next level and really showed another layer of morality. But she didn't write this as a series on chastity or the everlasting soul or to further the pro-life cause. She didn't even really intend to write this as a published novel. She had a dream about a girl and a vampire laying in a meadow and just built on that. She wrote is purely for her enjoyment. She wrote this as a simple love story.

There are many other great writers and stories out there. Much better than Twilight. But that doesn't make this a bad story. It is intriguing and interesting. I always get sucked into the story.

The movies suck me in as well. They are by no means cinematic masterpieces. But I feel that if you like the book you like the movies because you see what you've been reading. That's the beauty of books being made into movies. Each movie gets a little better. One thing I appreciate about the movies is that they don't deviate much from the storyline in the books. (Unlike the Harry Potter movies. Don't EVEN get me started on the whole Burrow getting destroyed in The Half-Blood Prince. ACK!!!) But of course the books are so much better. It's not just pretty people staring all googly-eyed at each other and making out. There is so much more.

One reason I think so many people despise the Twilight series is because how saturated it is in pop culture. The movies appear to be weak plots behind a pop music tapestry. They are very MTV-esque. The fan frenzy is pretty ridiculous sometimes. It just seems mainstream, corny and juvenile. And the vampires sparkle. People seem to have huge issues with that, but it's FICTION. Stephenie Meyer just wanted to put a different spin on the legends of vampires. If you want the hardcore burn-in-the-sun vampires watch True Blood on HBO. Then you will appreciate the unoffending sparkle.

I still hang onto the hope there is redemption for Eric Northman!

There are the corny publicity photos of Bella and Edward clinging to each other in rivers and there are the screaming fans. There are the teenagers who really seem to think that Edward and Jacob are for really real real. And then there are the 40 year old housewives... I don't want to say too much, because I personally know some of these women who are dedicated Twihards.. but.... ah.... it's just kind of weird.

I think some people take this series WAY too seriously. Some people are simply fanatic about the books and movies. Others are fanatic about bashing them. They are books. They are for fun. They are FICTION. I enjoy these books, but they aren't my Bible. Yes, they are very popular and thus can greatly influence people. My line of reasoning defending these books probably have a ton of holes. But I think with the help of parents, an open mind and just plain common sense these books can be greatly enjoyed and appreciated.

RIP Hudson

2011-11-17T19:46:00.005-06:00

I have a million and one things I want to write about. I am writing a post criticizing/defending the Twilight series. I have a post floating around in my head about large families and spacing children. All these things I want to write about.

This post, I wish I didn't have to write.

This evening we put the family dog to sleep.

His name was Hudson. Ryan brought him home back in 1999. "He's not that big, mom," he said. He wasn't quite truthful. The family that owned him were moving. He didn't have the greatest upbringing. I was told he ate out of trashcans for his meals. They weren't even sure how old he was- maybe 2 years old they thought.

It's a good thing he found the Crawford household.

Hudson was Ryan's dog. But when he left for college, Ryan's dad took over. But he really was everybody's dog. We all loved him. He touched every one of our hearts. Give him a tennis ball, a belly scratch and a doggie cookie and he was your new best friend.

I remember seeing pictures of him on Ryan's facebook. I was nervous when we went to meet his family because I was scared that Hudson would jump up on me or hump my leg creating all sorts of awkward situations. But when we walked in, Hudson greeted us with a giant wagging tail and excitement. I immediately fell in love with him.

Before we were married and would visit Ryan's parents, we would stay in separate rooms. I would always let Hudson on the bed to sleep with me. He snored, but that was fine with me.

Over the years two new dogs came into the picture. Our beagle, Chandler, and Ryan's parent's new dog June Bug. When they got June Bug it seemed like Hudson was on his last leg. He had fallen and was injured. When Ryan's mom called him with the news that he might have to be put down Ryan cried. That was the first time I had seem him cry.

June Bug seemed to zap some life into Hudson. These past 2 years we saw the slow decline, but Hudson was happy and occupied by June Bug and Chan.

Just this week the back gate got unlatched and Hudson escaped. For about 10 minutes we waited and worried. Soon a neighbor about a half a block up came walking with him. I swear Hudson looked like a puppy. He was so energetic and happy! He had just had quite the adventure!

These past two days came Hudson's downfall. For the past few weeks we've noticed his legs giving out. Last night, after a trip to the vet, who happens to be a close family friend, the decision was made that today would be Hudson's last day on earth.

We all spoiled him and gave him extra attention. We were all bracing for 5:00 when we were to take him to the vet.

I didn't really expect to be in the same room as Hudson. I just figured I would wait in the waiting room. But it all happened so fast and I wanted to be there for my husband.

Hudson was happy at Dr. M's office. He was walking around slowly and sniffing. He was happy in the room with us and didn't flinch at the sedation shot. In about 10 minutes he was snoozing soundly. Deep sleep. He was dreaming. We were petting him, talking to him, kissing him. He was happy.

Then came the final shot. Ryan asked how long it would be. She said he would probably be gone before the injection was finished. As soon as she was done I noticed his side wasn't moving in his rhythmic beating breaths. One minute he was there. Now he was gone. I kissed him, said I loved him, and left Ryan to be alone with him.

We are all heartbroken over the loss of Hudson. However, I think there is a feeling of bittersweet relief. His pain is gone. He is happy. A lot happier than we are right now. He had a happy death.

I used to get semi-annoyed at "my doggie died" posts. Now I see the need to post. It helps us to heal. It helps us to honor our pet. I know there are debates on whether dogs go to heaven. I can't phrase it as well as Anthony DeStefano in his book A Travel Guide to Heaven, but I believe that we will see our pets again someday. God creates good. He created pets for us as good things. So why would they be taken away forever? In the new world God creates for us after the end of times, there will be beauty. There will be animals. Surely our pets will be there, too.

Hudson's death has hit Ryan especially hard. I hate seeing my beloved in such pain. That might be the hardest part for me. Yes, I will miss Hudson, but I know he's in a better place. I just wish I could take the pain away from my husband. I don't like to see him so upset. I want to make it better, but I know time, love and comfort from family and friends will heal his wounds.

This experience has made me resolve to spend more time with Chandler. He always so active running around with the other dogs that I haven't really had a chance to spend some cuddle time with him. I'm sure that he and June Bug will be out of sorts when they realize that Hudson is gone and won't be back.

I would rather write a post bringing on an onslaught of judgment and criticism for my enjoyment of the Twilight series or wanting a big family than this one.

Hug your pets tonight.

St. Francis of Assisi, pray for us.

Rest in peace, dear Hudson. We love you.

My Theological Defense/Critique of theTwilight Saga

2011-11-17T14:24:00.029-06:00

*TEENAGE RELATIONSHIPS*

*CHASTITY*

*THE ETERNAL SOUL*

*BELLA AND THE HARRY POTTER COMPARISON*

*PRO-LIFE*

*THE BOOKS VS. THE MOVIES*

I still hang onto the hope there is redemption for Eric Northman!

Nursing the one year old and thoughts on weaning

2011-11-14T19:29:00.010-06:00

I remember before I had Joe I was so nervous that breastfeeding wouldn't work out. Well, thankfully, it did. Very, very well. I was very gung-ho about nursing. I was planning on blogging about everything! Nursing in public, the challenges, the benefits- the topics were endless. In the 14 1/2 months I have been breastfeeding I have written a total of two posts.

I never really nursed in public. If I did I had a nursing cover and didn't care what others thought. Other than that there were no challenges. It is a bonding experience, but it's nothing I really gush over. Joe loves to nurse. He'd nurse all the time if he could. The only weaning I've done is daytime weaning (before his naps) and that wasn't a big deal. So there hasn't really been a whole lot of interesting things to blog about regarding my breastfeeding journey.

I know I just wrote about how moms shouldn't judge other moms, but I have a confession to make: I always thought that nursing a baby past 12 months was just kind of weird. I never thought it was a bad thing; I just wasn't used the idea. I don't know anybody in person who is currently nursing and all the women I know that have nursed in the past stopped at around 8 or 9 months- most of them sooner. So when I'd see pictures of a woman nursing her newborn on one boob and her three year old on another boob I just kind of thought, "Hmm... that's.... different."

And here I am, nursing an almost 15 month old toddler.

I would have no problems continuing this breastfeeding relationship. Except that I'm pretty sure it's messing with my fertility/luteal phase. And I know for a fact that it's screwing with my sleep.

I am not going to get into the fertility issues in this post. That's for another day.

I'm tired, people. I've been tired for the past 60+ weeks. I nurse Joe before I lay him down in his crib. Then again at 11:00. Then usually around 1:00, 4:00 and then 6:00. If I were co-sleeping it might be easier, but Joe insists on being put back in his crib so there's a lot of getting in and out of bed.

The problem is that we sleep in same room as Joe. That's how it has worked out while living with Ryan's parents. Ryan tries to calm him down. I try to calm him down. The only thing that works is my boob. I pick him up and cuddle him but he points emphatically to the bed mean, "Stop with this cuddle crap. Give me some milk, lady!" I am awake when I try to have him cry it out. I am also awake if I get up to nurse him, the only positive side to this is that breastfeeding makes him stop crying sooner.

I know the sleeping in the same room is the main problem. This morning after Joe fell back to sleep I laid there wide awake. I came to the conclusion that maybe it was time to stop nursing him at night and start the complete weaning process. It is time. But then a whole crap-load of thoughts came rushing in:

- What if he's waking up so much because of his molars coming in? If he is in pain shouldn't I comfort him? But I've read in the books (yes, yes, I know... those pesky books...) that getting up to comfort your child every single time is not in their best interest. That even after his pain is gone he will still cry out constantly for me.

- Maybe it's separation anxiety. I need to teach him to comfort himself. But I just feel bad leaving him there to cry.

- Since he's not eating a lot of solid foods I feel like it's important for me to keep nursing him for him to get nutrients and calories. Extended breastfeeding is a good thing health-wise. Why stop now?

But I'm tired.

I don't resent breastfeeding. I really do enjoy it; I'm just not WHOO HOO BREASTFEEDING ROCKS! (Like the photo above.) Maybe I was in the early months... but now it's just so routine.

I think the fact that it is so routine that makes me not want to stop. It's going to be a HUGE change for Joe and me. Ending this breastfeeding relationship closes a chapter on our lives. Yes, I was eventually going to stop nursing, but I just thought I'd be more prepared and ease ourselves into it. I always thought it'd be "OK, next month I'm going to start weaning." Not this week. Now right now.

But I'm just so tired.

This morning I got my Womanly Art of Breastfeeding book out to start reading up on weaning. I got my The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. Sears and was getting ready to prepare a way of using a modified CIO method. I was preparing to make arrangements to sleep in the guestroom and prepare my in-law's to get ready to hear a lot of crying and going up and down the stairs.

I was going to do all these preparations after Joe's breakfast.

And then I felt his molar FINALLY FREAKING popping through. There's another one right below the surface that I can see will break the surface any day now.

Well no wonder he has been crying so much lately. We usually don't give him Tylenol or Advil before bed because he's never fussy. So nursing was his comfort. I think it's pretty great that I can give him that comfort with my own body.

But I'm still tired and now have no clue what to do. I just figured I'd wait a few days and see what happens.

ZzzZzZZzzzzZZZZZZ.....

If you want to hear God laugh...

2011-11-09T15:40:00.012-06:00

The lovely Elizabeth at That Married Couple had a great idea for a post a few weeks ago. She wrote of the things she planned for in the past that probably made God laugh.

I've had some pretty grandiose plans in my day. Such big plans! My goals, my dreams! I've made the Lord God slap his Almighty Knee a time or two.

Age 15: For a college prep program we had to write our long term and short term goals. Some of my long term goals included: Going to medical school to become a pediatrician. Live in New York City for awhile. Meet Mr. Right and get married. Have 5-7 kids. Move back to Maryville, MO and start up my own pediatric clinic.

Age 16: Those big time dreams folded when I started dating my high school sweetheart. All that was on my mind was graduating high school, going to college and marrying said high school sweetheart and having babies.

Age 18: I did end up graduating high school but said high school sweetheart had broken up with me a year earlier. Was dating another guy (we'll call him Mr. Right #2) who I was certain I was going to marry. Well... I broke up with him shortly after I started college. Went to CMSU in hopes of getting into a sorority and finding a nice fraternity boy to date/marry and start having babies. I was majoring in theater.

Age 19: I was at CMSU a little over a month when I dropped out. I dropped out on my birthday. My plans were to work at a factory and earn enough money to move out to Los Angeles to pursue my dreams of becoming an actress. (That one made God laugh the hardest, I'm sure. It sure made my mom laugh pretty hard when I told her.)

Age 19: Started working an evening shift at a hospital doing housekeeping, laundry and maintenence. Got back together with Mr. Right #2. Started making plans on moving in together and looking at engagement rings.

Age 19: Mr. Right #2 breaks up with me. I plan on winning him back by acting all sexy and hard-to-get.

Age 19: My attempts at winning Mr. Right #2 don't work.

Age 20: Start my second try at college at Northwest Missouri State University. I plan on studying hard to become a high school history teacher. I also plan to find the REAL Mr. Right and start having babies with him.

Age 20: Stop going to class a few weeks into the semester. Get drunk a lot with my roommates, play Sims 2, and participate in a lot of hoochie mama-ness.

Age 20: Meet Mr. Right #3. He was just what I was looking for. Handsome, small town, farm boy. Catholic. Liked to hunt and fish. Became great friends with his sister (still great friends today!) I (not he) started planning on getting married and having babies. I drop out of college because I know I failed all my classes.

Age 20: Mr. Right #3 breaks up with me. Fall into a pit of major debauchery. On the look out for Mr. Right #4. Get together with a lot of potentials, but they all break my heart.

Age 20: Meet Mr. Right #4. He's another farm boy. Make plans to become a farmer's wife and stay at home with our future babies. In the meantime I apply to become a customer service manager at Wal-Mart.

Age 20: I don't get the customer service job. I get frustrated with life and on a whim move to Atchison, KS to go to nursing school. Mr. Right #4 breaks up with me because of the distance.

Age 21: When I move to Atchison I meet my neighbors- J and E, who were students at Benedictine College. They take me some homecoming get togethers and plant the seeds of becoming a student at Benedictine. I never really get the motivation to apply to nursing school.

Age 21: Start Benedictine in the 2006 spring semester. I plan on majoring in theology and finding Mr. Right #5- for REALLY REAL REAL this time.

And for once... this plan actually came to fruition! Except he was no small town farm boy. He grew up right in the heart of Kansas City. He was my best guy friend before we started dating so I really had no plans of getting romantically involved with him. I wasn't actively looking for Mr. Right. I'm really glad God changed that plan to how it is today!

Age 24: After graduation and our wedding I planned on finding a job teaching theology or youth ministry in the Kansas City area.

Age 25: Still no luck finding a job, keeping busy as a homemaker in Middle-of-Nowhere, MO.

Age 25: Get pregnant for the second time after my miscarriage. Plan on having a smooth, healthy pregnancy and a drug-free vaginal birth.

Age 25: Develop severe pre-eclampsia. Go through a 2 day failed induction. Have a c-section.

Age 26: Hope and pray that Ryan gets a job in Kansas City. Ryan finally does get a job in Kansas City. Plan on staying with his parents for a couple of months to save up some money to move out on our own.

Age 27: Seven months later I am still living with my in-laws waiting for the next step. I have no clue what that is and I don't even have a plan in my head for God to laugh at.

I remember being very disappointed when my plans would never go through. What was so wrong with my plans? They were very basic and simple. They were what most people wanted- to get married, get a job, have children. Why wasn't it happening the way I wanted it?

The answer is simple- because the "way I wanted it" sucked. God's plans are oh so much better than mine. What would my life be like if I would have married some fraternity guy? What would my life be like if I would have gotten that customer service job? I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't have my real Mr. Right- my best friend, my soul mate. I wouldn't have my son. My goodness... I can't imagine my life without them.

God knows best. God's time is best. It can be frustrating and discouraging at times not knowing what is going on. But looking back you can always see God's hand in your life and how he has made everything the way it is supposed to be: simply awesome.

Those Quiet Mommy Wars

2011-11-08T15:18:00.006-06:00

Mommy wars.

I hate them.

Feel like getting into a nice juicy debate with someone? You can skip the political blogs or even ones regarding religion. Step on into a mommy message board and you can get into quite the doozy. I swear when I get on BabyCenter.com to look something up I can hear cats hissing and the claws coming out.

There are blog posts and message boards just asking for people to start a debate. They are the “I am right, you are wrong, and you cannot convince me otherwise” posts. But I see that there are other subtle mommy war/battles going on. These are quiet and many might not even notice them, but they are the underpinnings of bigger debates.

So I will ask you these questions:

*Am I a horrible mother for using regular ol’ Johnson and Johnson’s baby shampoo instead of an all-natural product or something I made myself?

*Is my child destined for obesity if I plan on giving him Spaghettio's and Doritos on occasion instead of organic hummus and homemade pita bread?

*Should I be put in jail because I am “poisoning” my son by having him immunized?

*Yet, am I an irresponsible parent because I do not follow the regular immunization schedule?

*Am I ruining my child’s independence by not using the cry-it out method?

*Will Joe be a spoiled brat because I follow attachment parenting methods?

*I’m a wretched mother for “lying” to my child about Santa Claus?

*Am I sending Joe on a path to hell because I plan on not only teaching him about All Saints Day, but I will also allow him to dress up as Buzz Lightyear or a cowboy for Halloween and go trick or treating?

Don’t even get me started on the subject of circumcision. I personally think it’s rather disturbing that women will embark on a full-out war with each other over their son’s genitals. It’s creepy and weird.

I ask these questions because there have been times I have felt these things after reading blog posts, message boards and facebook statuses.

I’m sure the writers of these words don’t mean to be malicious or judgmental. I’m sure that I have even written something that has hurt someone’s feelings or has caused them to roll their eyes. It’s easy to write what we are feeling and use social media to work out our feelings but we need to be careful because other people read our words and these words can have a huge effect.

I think we need to be careful when we write our posts about parenting. When we write about our experiences that is one thing, but to write a treatise about why we think something is wrong or right and then demean those who think differently from us is never a good idea.

I hate it how one school of thought can build themselves up to thinking that is the BEST way to parent. And I hate to say this, but I see a lot of that coming from the natural parenting groups. I hate saying that because I agree with practically everything that natural parenting advocates, but I feel like there is no middle ground. I feel like I can’t label myself a “natural parent” because God forbid I use Johnsons and Johnsons and Mr. Bubble bubble bath instead of homemade products and use baby food that is store bought. I use disposable diapers which I feel automatically excludes me from natural parenting. I wanted to use cloth diapers but we couldn’t afford the rather hefty initial investment. There are a few folks in the cloth diapering community who can be somewhat militant against disposable diaper users, but they do it in the most subtle ways. I have felt like I am putting Joe in diapers filled with rat poison and scorpions because of some of the comments I've read from cloth diapering parents regarding disposables.

But I have felt attacked from the “non” natural side as well. I used to co-sleep and I read these posts about how co-sleeping is basically signing your baby’s death certificate and how your marriage is doomed. People have given me weird looks for using my Moby wrap when Joe was younger. I've gotten a few I-really-want-to-roll-my-eyes-but-I'll-just-smile-and-nod looks when I have expressed my wishes for a non-medicated birth and hopes of a VBAC. And of course, the fact that I don’t use artificial birth control automatically makes me a crazy, irresponsible wacko.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it is good to have a variety of parenting styles and to share our experiences. I suppose if someone posts something regularly that makes me feel bad about my parenting skills I should just stop reading. But we must be careful with our words. We must be careful of our attitudes. We don’t want to get too prideful on how we parent. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every situation is different. We need to stop acting like our way of parenting is the best way and the only way and other ways of parenting are sub-par.

I don’t know, maybe I am just being too sensitive when I read stuff on the internet. But when it comes to parenting, I am both fiercely protective of my choices yet also afraid that I am doing it all wrong. I know that sounds strange. So when I read a status about how horrible Spaghettio's and Sesame Street are I feel like a bad mom. I just keep thinking about the ways my mom raised me. There were canned foods, disposable diapers and TV. There was also a lot of love, family, nature, crafts, memories, traditions, learning and exploring. I think I turned out relatively normal. I haven’t become a psychotic, obese serial killer with an exceptionally low IQ with oodles of cancer precursors floating in my body. Not yet anyway.

I remember when I first started reading mommy blogs I would read the term “crunchy” and had no clue what it meant. I honestly thought it meant something about crunchy peanut butter. It took me awhile but I figured it out- crunchy like granola, granola is hippie food, hippies love nature, therefore crunchy means natural parenting.

I never knew there were so many styles and labels of parenting. Before I had a baby, I just thought there was one way to parent- with unconditional love. I think I will just stick with that way of parenting.

I don’t like the condemnation that is out there in Internetlandia. I don’t like the subtle judgment and criticisms. I don’t really care for the labels.

But the label I like the best and prefer is Mommy. Mommy to Joseph Ryan Edward Crawford.

It is one of a kind.

On a final note, please read this article. It is written by a woman whose son will not live past his third birthday. I think no matter what our parenting stance we can take the lessons this mother has learned and focus on love instead of our parenting styles.

The New Battleground: Mass

2011-11-06T19:50:00.015-06:00

A couple of months ago I wrote on my facebook about my curiosities regarding Joe starting to walk. Being a first-time mother I was just confused on how the whole walking thing worked. Some days he would take a few steps and then start crawling again for two weeks straight before attempting another step. I don't know what I was thinking... I guess I just thought that once he took his first few steps that he'd just walk a little more each day.

I had a lot of people respond to my status. Many of them commented that I shouldn't rush Joe walking- that I would miss the days of him just crawling and not having to chase him around.

I find their comments only partially true at this point. I love watching Joe walk (it's like he's tipsy) and I love walking next to him while he holds my hand. However, this walking thing has led to a new battleground- Mass.

For many months Joe slept through Mass. Then he hit the stage of being awake, but he was content by being held and looking around. Once he started crawling and cruising there would be rare occasions we would put him on the floor and he'd play around, but he was still mostly in our arms during the Mass.

That has all changed now that Joe is walking. He can't be contained. If we put him down he destroys the missalettes and then is determined to started walking in the aisle. When we pick him up he throws a fit. Most of the time he gets distracted by something and then calms down, but there have been a few times we've had to take him out of the church. We've never had to remove him from church before. In fact, just last week I went back to my hometown parish and after Mass my priest mentioned that was the first time he had ever heard my son in church!

Joe was OK during Mass yesterday. He got fussy a few times, but nothing that merited going out into the narthex. However, I was distracted during Mass by a boy sitting in front of us. He was probably 13 years old. He and his parents were seated right next to this giant pillar- a pillar that this boy kept leaning on during the times of the Mass where we are supposed to stand. His mother kept gently putting her hand on his shoulder to stand him upright and he kept looking at her like she was pure evil. Then there would be times while we were sitting that he kept kicking the pew in front him him and his mom would quietly tell him to stop and he would give her the stink-eye.

I looked at this teenager and I looked at my son. Joe was determined to "read" the hymnal instead of the Noah's Ark book we had brought. We had finally given in and let him thumb through the pages while we made sure he didn't rip out the pages to Holy God We Praise Thy Name.

I looked to the two young boys sitting next to the teenager and his parents. They were probably four and six years old. They sat quietly, didn't complain and seemed to be participating in the Mass. I know there is no guarantee that these boys won't end up like the teenager someday, but I was just amazed at the difference in demeanor.

I looked at Joe again. What kind of kid would he end up like? The quiet pious youngsters or the disrespectful punk teenager?

I think Joe is at the age where I really need to start implementing religion in his life. He is at the age where he is starting to understand better the world around him. I never really worried about instilling the love of God in him before because he was just too young to understand. I always took him to Mass. I think he has missed a total of three Masses in his 14 months of life. I know taking him to Mass is a good start, but I need to start thinking outside the box.

Joe is still at a weird age. He's old enough to start learning more about God, yet I think he is too young to do some of the really cool projects that are designed for older kids. Just search some Catholic mommy blogs and you can find so many awesome ideas for the liturgical seasons ranging from Baby Jesus cards to rosary cupcakes. These activities are so fun and can be an amazing tool to teach kids about Jesus, Mary, the saints, etc. but I still think Joe isn't quite to that stage.

So I've been doing some things here and there to teach Joe about God. I must admit that I am lazy most of the times, so I don't do these things all the time.

Here are some of thing things I have been doing:

*There is a shelf above our bed with two small pictures of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Mary. After we read our bed time story I usually pull the pictures down and just explain to Joe who they are. "Here is Jesus. Jesus loves us. This is Mary. She is Jesus' mommy. She loves us, too." Then I usually say a brief prayer. This is where I feel silly because I really don't know what to say. I want to be simple, but I want to make the prayer meaningful, too. Then I usually say a Hail Mary while pointing to the picture of the Blessed Virgin.

Joe loves looking at these pictures and usually points up at them to look at them at random times during the day. Because of this, they have fallen down behind the bed and I haven't had the time to pick them up. Last night as I was saying a Hail Mary Joe pointed up to where the pictures usually are. At least he's starting to put two and two together!

* I take Joe to Mass. Since Joe has started to become a little rambunctious during Mass I thought it would be a good idea to sit up towards the front of the church so he could see better. No one sits up there, right? Well, they do in the parish we have started to regularly attend! Maybe it's because it is the most popular Mass time, but I was shocked at how full the front was. Sitting in the front helped a little.

I always bring religious books with us. Joe absolutely loves to look at books. This sounds horrible, but I think it's almost borderline strange at how much he loves books! These definitely keep him occupied.

We don't really bring any other toys except a large beaded children's rosary... which Joe likes to chew on the cross part. It looks a little sacrilegious, but I know he obviously doesn't know what he's doing. I just find it funny to see bite marks in the cross.

I don't know about bringing food or drinks to Mass in the future. I know some parents don't allow it, but I don't really mind either way as long as it isn't too distracting.

I try to engage Joe at what's going on around us. I whisper the prayers and responses in Joe's ear. I make the sign of the cross on his forehead. I point out the statues and paintings.

When Joe does get too unruly one of us usually goes outside the sanctuary with him. None of the churches I have been to really have a cry-room. I get frustrated because I want Joe to learn to love the Mass, but when we are out of the action for so long I feel like it's pointless being there. However, a couple of weeks ago I met a man out there corralling his 22 month old daughter who has Down Syndrome. She is absolutely beautiful. Her father joked that he hasn't sat through an entire Mass in months. I thought it was amazing how he still brought her every Sunday, no matter what challenges they faced.

* I try and pick out books with religious themes. I will admit that a lot of these books go into the "Church Bag" that are special only for Sunday's. I need to get more that he can look at everyday. We went to a book store and saw tons of Christmas books. I made sure to get a simple book about the Nativity. I just don't have a lot of dough to spend on a bunch of religious books. Many of the books we get are from secondhand stores or garage sales, and unfortunately religious books are hard to come by at those places.

* I want to try and incorporate more religious toys. Yesterday I splurged and bought Joe a Little People Nativity Set. I plan on giving this and the Nativity book we recently purchased to Joe on the first Sunday of Advent. I am not anti-Santa and presents and Christmas fuzzy-wuzzies; I just want to make sure that Joe knows that Jesus is truly the reason for the season.

There are also those really cool plush Mass kits. Buuut they cost like 70 bucks. Anybody want to get this for Joe or make him one? Anyone? Hello?

Like I said, some of these religious toys and books can be expensive...

Although, I wonder how much this Jesus action figure would cost. If you can't see the description is says, "Jesus Christ... with ninja-messiah throwing nails, death killer-cross pump action over-under shotgun." Perhaps not?

I am worried about how to raise Joe to be a good Catholic. I look at myself and I see how lazy I am when it comes to my religion. I realized last night that I don't pray at night even though I'd like to say I do. When I get into bed I make the sign of the cross and then totally zone out or fall asleep. I am lazy and inconsistent and pretty much doubt in God's love for me all the time. However, I know it is important to be a good example for Joe. Ryan and I made vows at his baptism to raise him up right in the faith. Those promises are not to be taken lightly. But I still find myself being a less-than-stellar example for Joe.

But I still worry I will become too Stephen King's-mom-from-Carrie-like. I don't want to drive Joe away from the faith. I don't want to push him. I want to have a good balance of piety and humor. Remember when I was pregnant with him and I wrote about my fears of turning my son into an axe murderer? Yeah, those fears haven't changed much. I'm just afraid of totally screwing up my kid.

I read a great blog post by Elizabeth from In the Heart of My Home just the other day about how sometimes you can do everything you think is "right" and your child may still choose a path that you don't want them to follow. My bond with Joe is so strong. I think it may be hard for me to sever the ties. It's not always going to be "Mommy and me" with him. He will blossom into his own person. He is doing it in front of my eyes everyday. I need to remember that he is first a child of God. God gave him to us so that we can help him get to heaven. But there is only so much we can do since our children have free will. I just pray that I can be the best Catholic I can be so that I can be a good example for Joe. And so he won't end up as a leaning-against-the-pillars-at-Mass-punk-teen-future devil worshiper.

How do you help your children pay attention in Mass? How do you implement your faith into everyday life for your kids?

No-Cry Picky Eater Solution

2011-11-04T19:47:00.003-05:00

Elizabeth Pantley, the author of The No-Cry Sleep Solution, has a new book coming out called The No-Cry Picky Eater Solution. Joe isn't a picky eater... yet. I'm sure that in the up-coming months he will become one. (Doesn't every toddler?)

I'm sure there are some of you out there that have picky eaters on your hands, so this book may help you out!

Here are some quotes from the book:

"It can be hard - almost impossible sometimes -to change your child's rigidly held eating habits. Instead of trying to overhaul every meal and snack at once, begin by making a few small changes, one at a time, toward a more nutritious diet. Pick just a few items to start with. Once these become routine, then change another couple of items. If you follow this process, you'll find that within a year you will have improved your child's overall diet significantly; and likely affected his lifelong eating habits."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
"Your attitude about food is critical to your child's developing outlook. It's no surprise that studies have found that parents who don't like vegetables have children who don't like vegetables. It's assumed that these parents don't serve many vegetables and treat them as villains when they do.

One study found that the more a child is lectured about the merits of eating vegetables, the more he assumes they will taste bad and the more he will resist even trying them -- children catch on quickly when parents are trying to sell a behavior they don't truly believe in or follow in their own lives. Conversely, several studies found that when parents eat more fruits and vegetables, their children do too.Once you realize that your actions are on display to your child as a prime tool for teaching lifetime beliefs, you can modify your own behavior to set the best example. The side benefit is that you'll be healthier too."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"What's in your kitchen? A typical home contains plenty of healthy food, along with an assortment of snacks, desserts, and less healthy fare. An adult can sift through all this and decide what's best to eat, picking healthy options and judiciously choosing the right time for and amount of junk food and desserts.Children, however, will naturally be drawn to the tastiest option, with no guilt over the resulting choice. They will open the refrigerator or pantry and pick the most appetizing thing they see.
How can you help your child make better choices? The best way is to put the healthy foods where they can be seen easily and allow your child to choose between the nutritious options in view. Place desserts and junk foods on high shelves or in opaque containers. This way you can dole out the treats when and where you feel they're appropriate."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"Health officials call soda liquid candy. It’s easy to see why: there is no nutritional value in soda and a twelve ounce can contains 9 to 12 teaspoons of sugar. A 20 ounce bottle contains 16 to 18 teaspoons of sugar! Having just one soft drink a day can increase a child’s risk for obesity by 60%."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"Make family dinnertime a routine because your children who eat with their parents will eat healthier overall, have better social skills, be less likely to abuse alcohol and drugs later in life, and stay closer to you emotionally throughout childhood, and perhaps beyond. Family mealtime does not have to be formal, structured, or complicated to reap great rewards. A night when you eat sandwiches around the table while chatting about anything under the sun counts just as much as those more formal dinners.There are four things that shouldn't be brought to the dinner table: lectures, reprimands, rigid expectations, and demands for specific conversation.The key to success for the family dinner idea is regularity-four to five times a week or more. Families that make a practice of dining together in a relaxed, pleasant atmosphere reap the most benefits."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

“If your child is a picky eater, keep the correct goal in mind. The objective is NOT to make your child eat more food…but to be sure that food choices are healthy ones.”

If you'd like more information about Elizabeth Pantley, this current book, or any of her other books you can visit her website here.

My Moments of Peace

2011-11-02T20:21:00.012-05:00

I have been feeling down and out lately.

What else is new, right? It seems a lot of my posts have been me bleepin' and moanin'.

The stress and anxiety are starting to take its toll. I can actually feel my chest tightening with tension when I start worrying. I catch myself subconsciously holding my breath and clenching my jaw multiple times a day.

I keep thinking I need to suck it up and go to a doctor and get some anti-depressants. I have been on them before and they have helped. But for some reason I feel uncomfortable going on them again. I can't really explain it. Maybe I'm being too prideful. Maybe I just need a good confession and some spiritual direction. Maybe I just need some booze. I'm only partially kidding on that last one.

But God is merciful and sends me moments of peace throughout the day. They are true fuzzy-wuzzy feelings. I feel like the world slows down, my heart softens from the burden of worry and for a moment I only feel happiness. I'd like to share some of those fleeting peaceful moments that get me by.

I find peace...

...in Winter Candy Apple lotion from Bath and Body Works. It is my most favorite smell in. the. whole. wide. world. I start wearing it after Halloween and stop wearing it soon after Christmas, so it's very much a holiday smell. It has actually become a Christmas tradition for me. It instantly puts me in a good mood. I've been wearing it for years. If they ever get rid of it I will be very sad.
... in long conversations with my big brother over theology and other random subjects.

... in more long conversations with my nephew. This past weekend I drove him back to my brother's house and we talked the entire way. It was an hour and a half long trip! Max is almost twelve years old, but he is so grown up. But he's not obnoxious like adults are- he still has that innocence about him. It was a nice fall evening when we were driving back. We talked about a variety of things. It was actually almost therapeutic for me! I dropped him off with a smile and in wonderment at how fast he has grown up.

I find peace...

... in the first forecasted snow of the year. Snow is so magical. So otherworldly. There is nothing better than that seeing the silent snowflakes fall and to hear the cold winds howl while I am nestled all toasty underneath a warm cozy blanket. I love this time of year. Even though the vibrant beauty of the beginning of fall has faded, I find allure in the bare trees and the lifeless grass. Plus, I love all the things that are associated with this time of year- hoodies, fireplaces, chili, piping hot soups and stews, hot chocolate, fuzzy socks, fleece, over-sized blankets, warm bubble baths... I could go on and on.

... in listening to the soundtrack from Chronicles of Narnia. For some reason I always get the urge to watch it when it gets cold and snowy. This music of this soundtrack is pretty fantastic.

I find peace...

... in going to Mass. Yesterday I went to All Saints Day Mass by myself. (Joe wasn't feeling well so Ryan stayed home with him.) It was nice to be able to actually focus on the Liturgy. When I walked in I just felt a sense of peace. I found comfort in that church smell. It's hard to describe- you can smell the oldness of the building, the perfume and cologne from the parishioners. It just has that clean, holy smell. And when I am praying I really feel that Jesus has his arms around me and is letting me know that all will be well.

... in the anticipation of the upcoming holidays. This is another reason I love this time of year. I love Advent and Thanksgiving. And of course I absolutely love Christmas. There is nothing better than friends, family, scrumptious food, traditions and memories and it all being centered around being thankful for God's blessings and for the birth of Jesus Christ.

One of the reasons I feel so down lately is because we don't have our very own home to celebrate these holidays. We won't be able to pull out the ornaments that I have collected for nearly 15 years because they are in storage. One of my favorite parts of the holidays is making my home festive and joyful. However, the joy of this holiday season overcomes my bitterness and sadness over not having our own place.

I find peace...

... in my husband. Our marriage gets stronger every day. We laugh often despite me being a Mrs. Poopie Pants. He always knows what to say to cheer me up. I think back on our friendship and budding relationship in college and the memories always make me smile.

I find peace...

... in my son. He lights up my life and I hope to have many more babies that are just as fun and sweet as he is! I feel like he is growing up so fast. Sometimes I still can't believe that he is my son. I helped create him. I nourished him in my womb. His personality bursts through every day and I find myself smiling every day because of him!

I have a lot I can complain about in life. I often feel beaten down. But God sends me these moments of peace and for that, I am thankful.

Obligatory Toddler in Halloween Costume Post

2011-11-01T15:53:00.008-05:00

How was your Halloween?

This year was so much fun! Last year Joe was too young to do anything and I was still trying to figure out the whole new Mommy thing. But this year Joe has taken a liking to pumpkins and leaves and costumes!

We didn't trick or treat. We went over to his great-grandma's house and then over to his Aunt Kelly's. However, Kelly did give Ryan and I a crap-ton of candy so she and her hubby wouldn't be tempted to eat it. Did I mention that this Wednesday ends my 6 week maintenance period for Weight Watchers? If I am still at my goal (which I still am- actually I've lost about 3 additional pounds) on Wednesday I will become a Lifetime Member! So all this candy around me is TORTURE!

Joe had TWO costumes this year! Ryan and I bought him a dragon costume back in September, but then my mom found an adorable Cookie Monster costume and couldn't resist. So during the day Joe was a ferocious dragon and in the evening he was Cookie Monster. You should have seen his face when he saw himself in the full-length mirror dressed as Cookie. His face lit up in surprise and delight and he kept saying, "Ca-Ca!" (His word for Cookie Monster!)

RAWR!!!

Look at that poofy butt!

Of course he had to have an Elmo bucket. I thought it looked somewhat grotesque. It was like Cookie Monster decapitated Elmo and was parading his head around for sport!

And finally... I came across this picture on facebook and got a huge kick out it. The "Funk of 40,000 Years" aroma made me laugh the hardest!

Flu Shots.. dun, dun, DUUUNNN!!!

2011-10-24T20:29:00.003-05:00

OK, so I know everyone says there are no such things as stupid questions, but this one is kind of silly.

Today I was watching Sid the Science Kid. (OK, so this show happened to be on right after Sesame Street. Joe watches Sesame Street, not me. And if you accuse me of being a horrible parent because I let my child watch TV on rare occasions so help me I will go all kinds of Chuck Norris on you.) The reason this episode jumped out to me was because the topic stressed the importance of getting a flu shot.

I see commercials and news stories all over the place for flu shots. I see raging debates regarding flu shots. Flu shots are a big deal.

I will admit that I am somewhat confused and not very well-educated on the matter.

Here are my thoughts.

I'm pretty sure the flu shot has been around for a long time, but it seems to me that just in the past five years or so there has been a big push for getting one. Last year was my first time getting a flu shot. The last time I had the flu was in college and it wasn't too terribly bad. I can't even tell you the time before that when I had the flu. I don't remember. I obviously survived. However last year during one of Joe's well-child checks the doctor strongly suggested I get a flu shot to protect Joe. He was too young at the time to even be considered to get one so the doctor said Ryan and I should get one to create a bubble of protection for Joe, so I did. I had no adverse reactions and that was that.

This year I will probably get a flu shot. If I don't get one I won't be concerned. If I do get one I won't worry that my arm will fall off. It's really no big deal for me. The thing I am slightly concerned about is getting the flu shot for Joe.

At his one year check up he got some shots. The doctor suggested waiting about a month before I come back in to get his flu shot. I am supposed to call and set up a time to go in and get it done. I am a big time procrastinator so I keep putting it off. But deep down inside I have this uncomfortable gut feeling about Joe getting the flu shot.

So my question is- what is so terrible about actually getting the flu? Yes, I know some people can die from the flu. But some people can die from catching a cold, too. I mean, it's not that common, right? It's just the flu. It's not like small pox where it wipes out multitudes of people. But like I said, I am not very educated about this topic.

But on the other hand I think,"Well, if we are blessed with modern medicine that can create a substance that can prevent one from getting the flu, then why not take advantage of that?" Getting the flu is no fun, so if you can prevent all the horrible things that come with getting the flu, then why not get the shot? Plus, if it can prevent one from dying then it it's a great thing, right?

But then I get to thinking again. What if there are some long-term effects regarding the contents of the flu shot that we won't know about for years to come? What if I gave my son the shot and he developed some complication that would be much worse than just getting the plain ol' flu?

I'm just not sure what to do. My gut goes with getting Ryan and I immunized and using common sense. (i.e. lots of hand washing, Vitamin D, not taking Joe out when he is sick or exposing him to lots of sick people, not letting him lick toilet seats, etc.) However, I might change my mind, so don't think I am the worst mother in the world if I do decide to give Joe the flu shot.

I have a feeling I am opening up a can of worms with this post. I am open to people's thoughts on the flu shot and ONLY the flu shot. If anyone whips this conversation around to other vaccines I will promptly delete those comments. I am set in my decision to vaccinate Joe and do not tolerate extreme arguments from either side. I will whip out both my Chuck Norris AND Jackie Chan if I have to!

Excuse the mess!

2011-10-20T22:21:00.002-05:00

Please excuse the mess and the ginormo picture of Joe. I'm trying to change things around here and I can't figure out how to get it smaller. (I already hit "Shrink to Fit")

I'm also in the process of adding some separate pages to make things look a little more organized.

I'm just too tired to finish it all tonight!

Motherhood and Pride

2011-10-20T14:30:00.005-05:00

It has been a very long week.

I've been in a crabby mood, easily annoyed and frustrated all week. Maybe I'm PMS-ing, I don't know.

My babysitting schedule got all out of whack this week and today, a day I don't normally babysit, I had to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn. This all has thrown Joe's schedule off, and when Joe is out of sorts, his mama is out of sorts.

But what really got the bad-mood ball rolling was Monday. I made a dreaded call to his pediatrician about Joe's swallowing problems. I knew what his recommendation would be: send Joe to occupational therapy.

I suppose I should back way up and start at the beginning of Joe's eating troubles.

Joe has always been a champion nurser. He would have nursed all day long if I would have let him. (He still loves to nurse, but that is a different post for a different day.) I am thankful that we had no problems establishing a nursing relationship.

However, with my massive oversupply of milk and Joe's horrible acid reflux, there was a lot, A LOT, of spitting up. We didn't use burp cloths. Those were a joke. We had to use receiving blankets as burp rags, and we had to have one or two on us at all times because he was prone to spitting up and/or projectile vomiting. It was messy and gross. It got so bad he was getting miserable so when he was about a month old he was put on Zantac to control the reflux. We took him off those meds around 6 months because he wasn't spitting up and since he was sitting upright I figured the problem was gone.

I was wrong.

At around 8 months he was starting to spit up again (not as much as when he was younger) and I could tell he was miserable once again, so his doctor put him back on the Zantac. Things got better in that department and we stopped giving it to him when he was 11 months old.

I wondered how his acid reflux would figure in to giving him solids. When he was 4 months old the doctor gave the go-ahead to start rice cereal. I was so excited for this new step in Joe's life. Well, Joe wasn't too thrilled because after a few bites he'd stop eating. I knew this was relatively normal, but I tried everyday and he wasn't diggin' it. I tried different kinds of cereal- oatmeal, barley and mixed grains. I tried different consistencies and mixing it with both breast milk and water. He just wasn't liking it. I wasn't going to push it, so I waited until he was 6 months to re-introduce the cereal.

6 months came around and I tried the cereal again. He still didn't like it. I tried for a week or so then gave up. I decided to go ahead and give him level 1 sweet potatoes and he loved them! He wouldn't eat the whole 2.5 oz, but I could tell he enjoyed them much more than the cereal. Maybe he just wasn't a cereal-eating kind of guy.

I figured he would cruise right along to the thicker level 2 baby foods in no time. After all, according the suggested guidelines on the baby food jar he should be ready for them. He was sitting independently and had no problem getting the food down. But he would barely finish a whole container of the level 1 so I didn't bother giving him the level 2 that had one more ounce in it.

I didn't really try giving him any real solid foods since he didn't seem interested in the pureed food. I tried giving him puffs and yogurt melts but he barely even touched them. Again, I didn't push anything. I mentioned it to Joe's doctor and he wasn't concerned.

Finally one day when Joe was about 9 months old he started eating level 2 baby food and gobbled it all up. He was getting to the point of putting the puffs and yogurt melts into his mouth but he'd push them out of his mouth with his tongue or take them out with his hands.

Then came the Baby Mum-Mum's and level 3 baby food. With that came the vomiting. He had no problem putting the Mum-Mum's up to his mouth and biting and chewing, but once he swallowed he would gag then vomit. It was extremely nerve wracking because I always thought he was choking. I tried giving him level 3 baby food which has more in it and also has tiny bits of food. We gave him spaghetti which has iddy biddy tiny pieces of noodle and he could not handle that and there was even more vomiting. Joe just now got the hang of level 3 in the last month and a half.

So for the last few months I would give him 3 jars of baby food a day and before each jar I would offer him Cheerios or puffs or yogurt melts or pretty much anything that was safe for him to eat. He can pick them up, put them in his mouth and chew them. Most of the time he pushes them out with his tongue. Sometimes he swallows them like a champ and I think he's getting the hang of the whole swallowing thing. But then there are those times that his eyes start to water, his mouth opens into an O-shape and the gagging starts. I pat his back, I do the finger sweep and then a few seconds later out comes everything I just fed him. And now that he is drinking milk the smell is AWFUL! He has no problem swallowing pureed foods like mashed potatoes and he loves jell-0.

It's always been kind of drag. I'm paranoid he will choke. I see all these cute pictures on facebook of babies Joe's age gobbling up spaghetti or corn on the cob. I was worried that we'd have to puree his first birthday cake, but he had no problems with that. In fact some of the only things he can swallow with ease are large cookies and sweets. But I didn't worry too much about it. It's a bummer, but I figured that he'd grow out of it.

I mentioned my concerns to his doctor again at Joe's one year check up and the doctor was only slightly concerned. He thought maybe Joe has a hyper-sensitive gag-reflex, which could be the case since he pushes food out of his mouth with his tongue. However, there are times I give Joe his baby spoon to play with and he jams it way back there in his mouth and other times I give him his toothbrush to chew on and it also goes way back there and he doesn't gag then. The doctor said not to worry too much and wait a few months and if it doesn't get better then he would send him to an occupational therapist who would work with Joe's swallowing technique.

I wasn't ever really too worried until these last few weeks. Joe is vomiting more and more. He's throwing up food he used to eat with ease. He even once threw up while he was sleeping. He wasn't sick. Maybe a piece of food was caught on the side of his mouth and he gagged on it, but that scared the crap out of me. What if he would have choked on his own vomit? He never cried and we even had the baby monitor on and I didn't hear anything.

All of this throwing up has gotten to the point where I am beyond concerned. Plus, I can tell that baby food is no longer cutting it with Joe. I can tell he is hungry for more. He looks at our food at lunch and dinner and reaches for it and cries in anger when we don't give him a taste. We've tried, and he throws it all up. My mommy gut told me that it was time to call the doctor.

Monday morning I made the call. I explained to the nurse what was going on and she said she would consult the doctor to see what he thought was best. I waited all day for the phone call. Later that afternoon she finally called back with the news I was expecting- Joe was being referred to an occupational therapist.

When I hung up the phone I went upstairs and cried. It had been a rough day with both the girl I was babysitting and Joe, so I was tired and cranky already. I was emotional.

I wasn't sure why I was so upset. I knew this was going to be the outcome. I should be happy that the solution to Joe's problem was simple. I should be thankful that other than this little problem that Joe is perfectly healthy. He is growing and still gets nutrients from baby food and breast milk and whole milk. It could be so much worse. I could be sending him to have major surgery or for chemo for a childhood cancer. Occupational therapy isn't a big deal. His swallowing problem isn't that big of a problem because he is still thriving and a very happy little boy. I shouldn't be so selfish.

It took me a few days to figure out why I was so bothered by this. I finally came to the conclusion today. I am so upset because I feel I should be able to fix this problem on my own. I'm Joe's mommy. I should be able to fix this problem. I want to be the one to help him overcome his challenges. Letting go of the reigns and allowing someone else to step in and help Joe out makes me feel like a craptastic mother.

I keep thinking that maybe I should have tried harder with him at a younger age to get him to eat cereal and solids. Maybe I waited too long and that's why his swallowing muscles don't work properly. Maybe I shouldn't have nursed him as much as I did. If he was so happy with mama's milk perhaps that is why he wasn't interested in something more. Maybe I shouldn't be nursing him now. My fears of screwing up my son are coming to light in the fact that he can't swallow very well. What if it is all my fault?

I know this is a control issue. I'm relatively sure that Joe's challenge isn't because of something I did. I need to step back a little and realize that I am not Joe's one and only guardian and protector. There will be times that his daddy or grandparents will be able to solve one of Joe's problems better than I could. Someday a teacher will help him in an area where I cannot. A coach will help him perfect a certain athletic skill that I can't perform. A priest will be able to give him the kind of spiritual guidance that I am not capable of. A doctor will be able to heal him in ways that I am not trained to do. The same goes for an occupational therapist whose vocation in life is to help children with problems like this.

I am full of too much pride. I need to stop thinking that I am the ultimate super-mom that can take care of everything. It's hard to detach myself from Joe. We've been together since day one and we have a very deep bond. I've never spent a night away from him. So, it will be hard for me to see someone else working with him to overcome an obstacle. I need to be thankful that this isn't a serious medical issue and that there are people available to help him with this swallowing problem. I need to remember to stop thinking about myself and my ego and do whatever I can to help Joe, even if that means stepping aside and realizing that I am not all-powerful and perfect.

I'm sure someday I will look back and remember how silly I was to be so upset about this situation. But it is just hard for me to shake off these feelings because I love Joe so much and want to be the best mother possible for him.

My emotions ARE all over the place. Yeah, it really must be PMS. :-)

Joe's Autumn Adventures

2011-10-18T14:53:00.018-05:00

Fall has definitely arrived here in Kansas City. It's simply wonderful. Autumn is probably my favorite season so I gladly welcome the chilly temperatures and falling leaves.

I feel like this is Joe's first "real" autumn. Yes, he was around last fall, but he was a newborn and I was in the first-time-newbie-zombie mom stage and was impervious to the changing seasons. This year, Joe absolutely loves everything to do with autumn. He loves to play in the leaves and play with pumpkins ("ba" he calls them, because he thinks they are balls.) Last week I took him to a local park and had our own fall photo shoot.

Have I told y'all that Joe is walking now? He would take wobbly steps now and again but a couple weeks ago at my mom's house he just took off walking. He's officially a toddler now. Makes me kind of sad...

He looks so grown up here!

This past weekend Ryan, Joe and I went with my mom and some of my cousins to Vala's Pumpkin Patch in Gretna, NE. This place is HUGE and so much fun! I think we are going to have to make this a family tradition! (The website to Vala's is down for some reason, but I encourage you to go check it out sometime to see how huge this place is!)

We stopped to eat at our favorite restaurant, Cracker Barrel, before we went to the pumpkin patch.

Joe LOVES pumpkins! Here he spots his first one!

"Ba!"

They have a huge, deep corn pit. Joe wasn't sure at first but you can see here that he eventually started having tons of fun!

Ryan and I jumping on these huge jumping things. Excuse my dorky look and the appearance of my husband being beamed up by aliens!

More pumpkins! Joe was in heaven!

Joe was fascinated by this huge dragon walking around. He kept dragging me to go see him!

Eating a pumpkin cookie!

Getting ready to get on the hay ride. Note the pumpkin in his lap.

The next day we decided to carve a pumpkin. We let Joe scoop out the guts. I wasn't sure how he would react (I personally think that pumpkin guts are the epitome of ICKY) but he LOVED it!

Yes, he is tasting some of the pumpkin guts.

Yes, he is chewing on the rind.

Grandma Mary carved an Elmo for Joe! (He is obsessed with Sesame Street!) She used a pattern and I think it came out quite well!

It is so much fun to see Joe react to all the seasonal goodies that come with fall. He is growing up so fast and it's amazing to see him learn and explore. It is so special to me to see the fun of fall through the eyes of my child.

I can't wait to see how he reacts at Christmastime!

Our Honeymoon

2011-10-11T13:55:00.009-05:00

Oh, that Betty Beguiles. She has the greatest blogging ideas ever! She has had these fun link-up's to participate in and now she wants us to write about our honeymoon! Go check her out to read her story!

Ryan and I never really planned on having a honeymoon. We got married in April of 2009 and I was still finishing up my final semester of college. It was stressful enough to plan for a wedding, take some really tough senior seminar courses, travel to get to college (1 1/2 hours away) and to visit my soon to be husband (3 hours away.) I wasn't going to add to the stress of trying to plan a honeymoon as well.

Besides, we couldn't really afford a honeymoon. And to add to that Ryan had recently started a new job and didn't have vacation time built up. We just figured that we'd take a honeymoon someday in the future. It wasn't really that big of a deal for us.

The wedding came and went and it was perfect. I moved in with my husband and focused on writing some huge research papers to finish up my degree. I was driving an hour and a half to school two days out of the week. I was beyond stressed but finally the papers were turned in, graduation day arrived, and I walked across the stage and received my diploma the month following our wedding.

It was time to relax and start to enjoy married life. The thought of a honeymoon was far from my mind. The week leading up to Memorial Day weekend Ryan mentioned that he had a very rare four days in a row off of work starting on Memorial Day. What were we going to do with all that free time? Go to St. Louis since I had never been there? Go down south so I could see the beach for the first time? I remembered my mom had taken my nephew to South Dakota to Mouth Rushmore the previous fall and had a really good time. I suggested we go up there since it wasn't too terribly far. I had received quite a bit of money from my graduation in addition to the money we had received from our wedding. It didn't even really dawn on us that we were planning for our honeymoon. This was just going to be a fun trip.

On Sunday evening around 8:00 we left for South Dakota. We drove through Iowa in the darkness, but were excited to be off and doing something new and different. We stayed the night in Sioux Falls. We mentioned we were newlyweds and they gave us a huge suite for a discounted price. There was a hot tub right in the room which was awesome. The next day we set out for the long trek across South Dakota.

We had no itinerary. No schedule. We just set out to where we wanted to go and spent however long we wanted to be there. It was relaxing not to stick to a schedule or budget. I don't get out much of this great state of Missouri, so it was so exciting for me to get to another state and see a different landscape. We went to Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Bear Country and Custer National Park. We roamed around Keystone and bought some salt water taffy and had pizza out on a deck. We drove around the Black Hills Forest and listened to the calming, ethereal sound of the wind through the pine trees. We hiked around the Badlands.

This honeymoon wasn't too terribly exciting or exotic. However, we did have a bit of a conundrum. While we were in South Dakota I was looking at my NFP charts. I realized that I was in my peak fertility. We were newlyweds, and this was our honeymoon. Did we really feel called to avoid pregnancy at this time? It was a bit of a risk but we decided open our hearts and trust that God would pick the right time for us to conceive. If I got pregnant on our honeymoon, then so be it.

It turns out that I did not get pregnant. I was shocked because even someone who barely knows anything about NFP could see that my body was in prime baby making mode. But God chose differently. This experience on our honeymoon really taught us to trust in God. It taught us the value of NFP. He knows what is best for us and our marriage is happier because we include the Almighty in it.

As we were driving back from South Dakota my husband asked if we were going to consider this our honeymoon or if were were going to save up and take a fancier one in the future. We both agreed that this was the perfect honeymoon for us. Talking, driving and being outdoors was exactly what we felt was right for our honeymoon. We didn't need a fancy cruise or sandy beaches to make us feel like we had a good trip.

It didn't matter where were, as long as we had each other, it was perfect.

Gosh, I feel like we look so young in these pictures and they were just taken 2 1/2 years ago!

Thanks, Betty, for hosting this fun link-up!

On Being Melancholic

2011-10-04T21:39:00.005-05:00

I am a sensitive person.

I have such a delicate nature that I consider it a cross that I bear.

I have been an easily affected person as long as I can remember. This is so embarrassing to admit, but one time when I was a child I was watching a TV show and this old man was walking a dog. The dog got loose, and the old man started chasing him and hollering after him, begging his dog to stop. The dog didn’t stop. The old man was distraught. I started crying.

Um, HELLO?! MAGGIE- IT’S A FLIPPIN’ TV SHOW! It’s make believe. Like unicorns and fairy poop- it is NOT REAL! I just couldn’t stand to see this sweet elderly person in emotional pain.

I remember another time when I was very young and I was at a Royal’s game with my brother. A man was walking up the stairs next to where we were sitting and he tripped. He was holding a tray of food and it went everywhere. He was fine, but probably embarrassed. My heart ached for him.

As I got older my sensitivity grew with me. When I entered my teenage years and those pesky hormones started kicking in… well, it was game over. Depression and anxiety grew out of my delicate emotional state. Every teen feels lonely and worthless at some point, but my feelings were much more severe.

You’d think that now that I’m all grown up my overly-sensitive feelings would have faded away. Um, not so much. I can’t stand to see people eating at restaurants alone or sitting by themselves at a movie theater. I know that 98% of the time these people are not lonely, they are alone by choice and they are perfectly happy. But I wonder if that elderly woman sitting by herself at Cracker Barrel just lost her oldest childhood friend to cancer and is hurting deeply, or that man in the business suit hasn’t seen his family or friends in two weeks because he has been traveling for his company. I just want to go and sit with them to keep them company.

Because I am so sensitive I don’t handle criticism very well. That is part of the reason I haven’t really started to work on my writing skills to kick start my dream of free-lance writing. I know in the world of professional writing there is a ton of rejection. I can get pretty protective of my writing, so when it is criticized, I take it as a direct criticism of me. There are times I get overly sad when I lose a blog follower or when someone who used to be a regular commenter stops commenting. I spend a little too much time wondering if it was something I wrote that made the person “mad” at me and stop following me or commenting. Too many times I measure my worth on who is following me or by how many comments a post receives. Very unhealthy thinking, I know.

I don’t do well with those people who like to make fun of others. There’s nothing wrong with a little harmless teasing once in awhile, but I really cannot stand to be around people who tease others constantly. My feelings are very easily hurt. I take things very personally. These people might tell me to lighten up or that they weren’t meaning to be mean. Believe me, I wish I could just laugh off those jabbing comments, but I just can’t sometimes. I hate it that I am so sensitive. There are people out there who are mean just to be mean and it irks me to no end.

Sometimes I wonder if my sensitive nature is something that needs medical attention. Sometimes I will start crying for no reason. One time I was watching Joe play with his toys and tears spilled over because I was just so in awe of how he is growing up so fast and the pure innocence in his eyes and smile. I have struggled with depression before and one of the obvious symptoms of depression is persistent sadness. However, the sadness I feel doesn’t feel “clinical.” I just think that I am a melancholic, wistful person. It’s how God made me.

Oh how I wish I weren’t such a sensitive person. I wish I could be one of those people who are perpetually in a good mood. I wish I could be a positive, optimistic person. I want to be one of those people who are bursting with happiness; a person who is a joy to be around. I know that people like this have their down days, but they cope with it much better than I do. I try not to be an Eeyore. I try to be as positive as I can. But there are days that I just shut down. I can’t snap out of my funk, and usually it is quite obvious to others.

I feel so silly and foolish being so emotional and sensitive. I hate getting so easily upset. I try so hard to reason with myself that usually the things that make me sad, angry or worried are not that big of a deal. They shouldn’t agitate me. I wish my intellect would win over my emotions, but most of the time it does not.

I am no saint. I struggle to embrace this cross. I want it to be different. I want to be different. But God does things for a reason and sometimes I feel like he makes personalities like mine because we need compassionate people. Again, I am no saint. I am a very selfish person. I can be mean and hurtful. However there are times I want to make a really mean, snarky comment on someone’s facebook status, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. If I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all. (Thanks for that, Mom!) There might be a time I want to make fun of liturgical dancing with bongo drums or a priest’s tie-dyed cassock, but I wonder if someone who is interested in joining the Catholic Church will hear or see my hateful comments and decide not to join because of my hypocrisy.

I avoid writing about controversial topics because I don’t want to make anyone mad. For example, I refrain from posting anything online that says “Abortion is murder.” I fully believe that abortion IS murder and that Roe v Wade should be overturned. However, I know there are women out there who are deeply hurting from their abortions and are full of regret. I don’t believe throwing the word murder around will help them to repent and start to heal. I know that the truth is sometimes hard to hear and that controversial topics need to be addressed. I just believe that people’s feelings need to be taken into consideration sometimes.

Being a sensitive person has helped me to help others. I can usually always tell if something is wrong with someone. Sometimes I am freakishly in-tune with how someone is feeling. That helps me to better communicate with them and sometimes I am able to give them comfort when they need it the most. But believe me, it is not easy to take on someone else’s pain.

I have learned to love others so much more because of my sensitive nature. When the 10th anniversary of 9-11 came around this year and there were all these stories of women who had lost their husbands or children who never got to meet their fathers I often broke down in tears. I even started tearing up in Mass that day when we sang America the Beautiful as our closing hymn. It made me realize just how short life is and to never take anything for granted- including living in the United States. Today, right here in Kansas City, a 10 month old baby girl was taken from her crib while she slept. Someone came in through her bedroom window and took her. I cannot imagine the pain and fear that her mother and father are going through. My heart breaks for them. I realize that when Joe wakes up for the 10th time tonight, in his crib that is in my room, I should be thankful. I know people are sad when they hear this story, but I’ve been thinking about it almost constantly and feel worried and sad.

When I hear of a woman who has had a miscarriage or stillborn, or who is suffering from infertility I cry with them. I know the pain. I know the emptiness and sadness. I know the questions they ask. I always cry when I see the video of the baby who hears his mother’s voice for the first time or the child who runs a race with prosthetic legs.

It makes me so thankful for the advances in technology and look in amazement at the tenderness and brilliance of the human soul. Heck, I even cry at Dancing with the Stars! This all makes me realize that life is precious. Life is a gift. I want to reach out to those who are lonely and grieving. I want to hug those young women who are confused about what to do with their life and who don’t realize their self-worth. I want to hug those men who work hard and get no recognition. I want to pray with those who are hurting.

God gives us gifts. Sometimes I get mad and want to know why God made me such a moody-mooderson. It’s not easy to suffer and feel this way. However, I try my hardest to see the good that can be brought out by my sensitive nature. Hmm… a pessimist who sees the glass half full? I know, I know- I’m strange.

Smile, It's Friday!

2011-09-30T10:41:00.003-05:00

I don't like to be a gloomy gloomerson. I feel like yesterday's post was just pouring on the blah-blah-blee-blah's. Plus, things have been kind of boring around here.

Even though I feel melancholy a lot of the time, Joe always cheers me up. He is definitely getting into that giggly, rambunctious toddler phase. His laughter is awesome!

So here is a video of me splashing water into Joe's face during his bathtime and him laughing hysterically. Then he gets ticked off when I stop. Please ignore the annoying mommy noise I make!

Have a happy weekend!

Jesus, I (want to) Trust in You!

2011-09-29T10:36:00.006-05:00

As I sit here in my recliner I reflect on this beautiful fall day. There is a crisp chill in the air, the trees are starting to change color and people are thinking crock pot meals and pumpkin spice candles instead of BBQ’s and sun block. Yet, I can still hear the chirping crickets. The orchestra of cicadas has drifted away these past few weeks, but the crickets still sing strongly in the cool evenings. It’s like summer and fall are one.

I sit here feeling a bit melancholy and fearful. I absolutely love the changing seasons. They are even more special now since I have become a mother. I have all these daydreams running through my head. I see Joe splashing in a baby pool and getting all dirty by playing outside in the dirt. I see him running through a giant pile of bright orange and red leaves and trick or treating. I see him playing in the snow and becoming mesmerized by twinkling Christmas lights. The reason I feel so blue is because we don’t have a house of our own to make these memories in.

My in-laws have graciously allowed us to live with them these past 5 months so Ryan and I can save up money to be able to afford to live in Kansas City. They have been nothing but welcoming and kind. Words cannot express how grateful we are for their unconditional love.

But I’m scared. Ryan’s job doesn’t bring a lot of income to our family. I have started a babysitting job that supplements some of his income, but just barely. It really isn’t feasible for me to get a full-time day job because we wouldn’t be able to afford the daycare. I sometimes wonder if we will ever be able to get a home of our own, and I mean renting our own home- the option of buying for us is as realistic as buying a spaceship. I see all these stories on the news about recession and poverty level and I immediately stress out.

We are thankful that my in-laws have opened their home to us, but we still want a place to call our own. I want my own plants to water in the spring and summer. I long for my own backyard with a vegetable garden and a swing set for Joe. I want my own front porch to put pumpkins out in the fall and a swing to spend relaxing evenings. I’d love my own kitchen to turn into a disaster while baking chocolate chip cookies.

My fear is that we will never have a house of our own. Are we destined to live in apartments forever and deal with barking dogs and neighbors who seem to think that no one will mind if they play their bass guitar at 3:00 in the morning?

Ryan and I are crippled by our debt of student loans. It is a burden I become anxious about every single day. I feel like we aren’t even making a dent in my loans. I know everyone worries about money. Our worry is constant. It is a “Will we ever be able to live on our own?” worry. It is a “Can we ever afford more children?” worry. I worry that when I talk about my dreams of having a large family people think, “Gosh, she is so stupid. They live with her in-laws! They are so foolish and irresponsible!” I’d rather have a large, loving family than any material thing.

Facebook can sometimes be a source of anxiety for me. I become green with envy when I see my friends (most who are younger than me) posing by “SOLD” signs or standing proudly in front of the door to the very nice home they just bought. I long for my own home when I see my friends posting their remodeling pictures. I get jealous of those friends who don’t have student loans to worry about or who have their debt all paid off.

I’m not asking for a 5 bedroom home, an annual summer vacation or satellite TV. I just want to know that after careful budgeting we can live in our own home, provide for our children and not live under this heavy burden of debt.

Ryan and I are doing our part as best we can to achieve this. We aren’t perfect by any means. There are times we mess up with our money. But we are trying.

We also try to trust in God to help us out.

We aren’t asking him to send us a check in the mail to cover our debt. We know it won’t go away overnight and that God expects us to help ourselves as best we can.

I have well meaning people tell me, “Trust that God will provide for you and your family.” I’ve also heard a saying, and I know I’m getting the words wrong, but it says something along the lines of, “Every time a baby is born, he comes with a loaf of bread under his arms for his family.”

There are tons of verses in Scripture that tell us not to worry:

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?
(Psalm 56:3, 11)

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6:26)

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. (John 14:1)

Even in the second reading for this Sunday’s Mass it reads, “Brothers and sisters: Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4: 6-9)

I want to trust in God that He will take care of us. I want to take comfort that He will not let us fall if we truly are trying to do His will and to glorify His name. I want to find peace in His merciful love. I am in awe of those people who put their complete trust in God and have no fear.

But sometimes it is so hard to trust. Sometimes I get so frustrated because it seems that God isn’t listening to our pleas. It is hard to trust in someone you can’t see. I get so scared that maybe there isn’t even a God out there who will take care of us.

What if Jesus Christ was so manipulative and charismatic that he was able to change the course of civilization? What if he was such a dynamic speaker and brain-washer that he was able to convert thousands to his beliefs? What if he was such a maniac that he would even be tortured and die a gruesome death to make absolutely sure that people continued to follow his teaching?

What if we are all part of the biggest conspiracy of the entire history of mankind? It has become so elaborate and detailed that nearly every day of the year there is feast day or liturgical season devoted to honoring an absent God. Every prayer, every Bible verse, every note we’ve sung in a hymn at church- it’s all for nothing.

Sure, there is a God. But he doesn’t take care of us. He just set the world in motion and it is up to us, and only us, to take care of ourselves. Those people who say God has helped them and provided for them- they are just lucky and it’s a coincidence that help showed up around the same time they prayed for it. Our devotion to God is empty. It is a hoax. We are destined for nothingness.

When these thoughts pop into my head I become very panicky. Perhaps my husband and I are supposed to be miserable with this cross of a huge debt. It is what it is. No God will help us in our time of need.

But I look around me and I look inside me, and I know that all these doubts and fears I have about God just aren’t true. I don’t have proof either way, but I still lean towards the God is Love camp instead of the God is Chillaxin' in His Lazy Boy and Doesn't Care About You camp. I won’t even say that something poetic like a fiery fall sunset or a baby’s laugh or that warm fuzzy feeling you get at Christmastime is what makes me know there is a God. It is in my innermost being. It is faith. I know that isn’t a great argument against atheism or agnosticism, but I'll leave the heavy lifting to the theologians.

Christianity is not a hoax. If Jesus were just a human, and an evil human at that if he duped that many people, then Christianity would not have lasted 2000 years, especially through those turbulent years known as the Reformation. God has provided for us. Ryan and I are still doing well. We’re not at the brink of having to live in a box by the river and have the state take care of our child. I have a tendency to look at the negative instead of the blessings.

It is so hard to trust God. You know those trust exercises where you fall backwards and trust the person behind you to catch you? Well imagine if that person were invisible. It makes it so much harder to fall and trust. Jesus will take care of us. God wants us to be happy. But then I get confused with that whole redemptive suffering thing and true happiness awaits us in heaven deal. I always long for “better times” where I am happy and not worried. If I do God’s will I will get that someday- in heaven, for all eternity. It would just be nice to be able to experience some of that while I’m still on this earth.

I find when I start feeling all Jesus-Isn’t-Real then it is time to go to confession. I need a soul-scrubbin’ and a good spiritual arse kick. I also need to realize that I am not the one in control. God knows what he is doing. I just wish he’d send me a flaming arrow from heaven with a scroll on it telling me of His plans. Even a post-it note would do.

I know things will get better. That is my mantra these days.

Jesus, I trust in you. Help me to trust in You.

Goal Weight

2011-09-27T10:37:00.004-05:00

In the craziness of last week I forgot to tell y'all something.

I made my goal weight!

I was nervous when I stepped on the scale last week. I knew I was so close to getting goal, but with my overactive imagination I figured I had gained 3 lbs or something.

The receptionist told me, "You did good this week!" I figured I had lost just a pound, which is better than gaining, but I just wanted to get this all over and done with. As she was handing me my weight record back she did a double take and said, "Wait a minute... you did it! You made goal! Congratulations!"

I am very, VERY happy! Now I begin the 6 week maintenance program. If I stay within 2 lbs of my goal weight I will become a Lifetime Member and won't have to pay for meetings. I'm nervous. I've never gained more the 0.6 of a pound, but I am just worried that something will go awry. I'll just stick with what I have been doing and hopefully I will see success!

My in-laws gave me a wonderful birthday present- a gift card to buy new clothes. It is so nice to try on clothes now! I'm going to have fun!

Thank you for all your encouragement on here. I was hesitant to write about my weight loss journey, but I am so glad I did!

High school: 98 lbs.
Party days: 111 lbs.
Pre-engagement: 125 lbs
Wedding: 115 lbs
After wedding: 130 lbs
Pre-pregnancy (Joe): 140 lbs
Joe’s birth: 199 lbs (I know… HOLY CRAP!)
After Joe’s birth: 135 lbs
Starting Weight Watchers: 146 lbs
September 2011: 120 lbs

First Weight Watchers Meeting: 146.6
2nd Week of WW: 141.2 (5.4 lbs lost)
3rd Week of WW: 139.6 (1.6 lbs lost)
4th Week of WW: 138.6 (1.0 lb lost)
5th Week of WW: 135.8 (2.8 lbs lost)
6th Week of WW: 135.4 (0.4 lbs lost)
7th Week of WW: 134.4 (1.0 lb lost)
8th Week of WW: 134.6 (0.2 lb gained)
9th Week of WW: 130.2 (4.4 lbs lost)
10th Week of WW: 130.0 (0.2 lb lost)
11th Week of WW: 127.8 (2.2 lbs lost)
12th Week of WW: 126.0 (1.8 lbs lost)
13th Week of WW: 124.8 (1.2 lbs lost)
14th Week of WW: 123.4 (1.4 lbs lost)
15th Week of WW: 124.0 (0.6 lb gained)
16th Week of WW: 122.4 (1.6 lbs lost)
17th Week of WW: 119.2 (3.2 lbs lost)

Here are some before and after photos. They aren't the best examples, but these are all I could find. The before photos were taken in May, right before I decided to join Weight Watchers.

BEFORE

AFTER

Quick Update

2011-09-22T10:40:00.004-05:00

Just thought I'd update you all real quick-

Things are going fine at Ryan's work. There haven't been any problems. Yesterday morning when he left for work I was a wreck, so I prayed my rosary. I fell back asleep and when I woke up I felt a sense of peace. Everything is going to be OK. I am thankful for you who have prayed. I can feel your prayers for sure and they have brought me so much comfort.

Tomorrow will be the day I am most nervous (and it's my birthday!) This guy who threatened Ryan will be coming back for his paycheck. Plus, Ryan has to open the building in the morning by himself. No one else will be around. The greatest birthday present will be him walking through the door! So please keep us in your prayers!

Blog Break...

2011-09-20T19:43:00.004-05:00

I was ready to get into the heavy blogging stuff. I was ready to write posts that don't have to do with weight loss or baby poop. I have a post nearly completed about my fears about finances and wanting a big family and my fears of trusting in a God that I cannot see.

Right now, my fears have changed to something else.

First. I guess I should say that I have an irrational fear of something bad happening to my husband. I also have an irrational fear of shootings. (When the Virgina Tech shootings happened I was too scared to go to class for a week.) I'm talking paranoid, overactive imagination, scary stuff...

Well you can imagine my utter terror when my husband called me today and told me one of his co-workers was fired after he had an argument with my husband and this man looked at my husband and pointed his finger like a gun and said, "I'm gonna get you."

Ryan is calm and rational about this situation. He is not worried. I, on the other hand, am freaking the hell out. I am terrified beyond belief. I KNOW I will not be able to sleep tonight. I keep thinking that it was a mistake for us to move here and for him to take this job. I can't even type out the words describing my devastation if my husband was ever taken from me. I can't live without him.

I'm sure everything will be fine and I just need a heavy psychotic and some booze and a highly trained therapist to calm me down. But this situation has made me realize I need to step back from blogosphere to actually spend time with my husband. I need to be present with him and my family instead of stuck on my laptop. I'm also dealing with some heavy anxiety and depression over some other things in my life, so it would be best for me to just step back and take a breather.

Like I said, I'm sure I am overreacting and y'all probably think I'm nuts, but please, just pray for my husband that he remains safe. And if you could pray that I don't lose my marbles and for peace of mind, I'd appreciate that too.

I'll be back.

Almost there...

2011-09-16T13:48:00.004-05:00

2.4

That's how many pounds I need to lose to get to my goal weight. I'm pretty excited and happy. I'm also impatient, but I know that slow and steady wins the race.

One reason I wanted to lose weight was so my wedding ring would fit again. A short time before I got pregnant I noticed my ring was a little snug (I had gained about 20 lbs since our wedding) and I was even starting to notice some wedding ring dermatitis. A few months into my pregnancy I had to store my wedding ring for good since I started getting gorilla fingers due to pre-eclampsia.

Since then I have had to get another new ring since the replacement ring I bought during pregnancy is too big. It's another cheapo from JC Penney.

Throughout my weight loss journey I have tried on my actual wedding ring many times. It wouldn't budge over my knuckle. When I was about 6 lbs away from goal I tried it on again and forced it over my knuckle... and... it finally was on my finger. It's been well over a year since I've worn my wedding ring. I smiled and admired it like it was my actual wedding day.

However, I noticed it was extremely difficult to get off. I had to get some soap to get it off my finger. I guess my hands put on a lot of weight that I can't burn off and my knuckles must be permanently big from my excessive swelling.

I've tried it on numerous time since then and it seems to be getting easier to get on and off. I'm still wondering if I should get it slightly enlarged to prevent wedding ring dermatitis and if I happen to swell during future pregnancies. I'm not sure what to do. We might go talk to a jeweler and get their opinion.

My dad got remarried this past weekend and the minister talked about the importance of a wedding ring. I am really hoping to get mine on again soon. I'm wondering if I will ever take it off.

I've lost just under 25 lbs and it feels amazing. It's awesome to be able to fit into jeans I couldn't even fit into before I got pregnant. But what means the most to me is to be able to run around with my son, wear the gorgeous wedding ring my husband picked out, and to add years to my life so I can take care of them and love them and our progenies for many years to come!

Guess What Joe Did?!

2011-09-12T10:17:00.003-05:00

In Joe's baby book there is a spot to write down how old he is when he first sleeps through the night. It's listed with other early infancy milestones such as "When baby first holds up head" and "First smiles." I have everything written down in that early infancy milestone page except the "sleeping through the night" spot. I figured I'd have to wait until Joe was five years old before I could write anything down there.

Joe has never slept thought the night. I see facebook statuses of one month old babies sleeping through the night and I always wonder if I will ever get to see that day (or night, I should say.) There was a couple weeks that he would sleep in his crib all night, as opposed to sleeping with me, but he would still wake up about three or four times to nurse or need comfort.

The past month or so Joe has switched up his sleeping schedule. He'll go to sleep in his crib around 7:00, and I would usually bring him into bed with me at his first waking to nurse him. He'd usually fall asleep all cuddled next to me. He doesn't really like to do that anymore. I'll nurse him and he'll start freaking out until I put him back in his crib and he'll drift off to sleep. I still have to get up a few times to nurse him. Then he usually is awake at 6:30 ready to go play, and I can usually get him to go back to sleep for a little bit longer, but it's sometimes a challenge.

These past few weeks Joe has been perpetually fussy. His molars are coming in... Those evil, evil molars. Joe has never really had a problem with teething until now. The only thing that helps is Advil. He doesn't like teething toys or cold washcloths. He is skipping his naps and getting up a lot more at night and it's just been plain rough.

Last night was horrible. He woke up around 11:15 screaming and arching his back. He wouldn't nurse. He wouldn't take a binky. We had give him Advil about 2 hours before. We took his temp and he didn't have a fever or even a slightly high temperature. Holding him wasn't helping. We tried to put some teething tablets under his tongue but he'd push them out. I finally dissolved them in water and rubbed them on his gums and that didn't seem to work. I put him in his crib because I thought maybe he just didn't want to be around us. He still screamed, but after a few minutes he calmed down and went to sleep.

I was preparing for a disastrous night of no sleep. I had to babysit the next morning, and the little baby girl I watch is also teething, so I was really dreading the coming hours. I went to bed as soon as he drifted off- probably around midnight. Usually when I 'm nervous about him waking up a lot I can't sleep, but I must have been more tired than I thought because I fell asleep rather quickly.

Joe started screaming and crying. I put on my glasses and looked at the clock, figuring it would be about 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning since that is when he usually wakes up next. It was 6:00!!! I could barely believe my eyes! Did we actually get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep?! I racked my brain... surely I got up once during the night. But no, I'm usually good at remembering stuff like that. Did he cry and I sleep through it? He is in the same room as me and his cries can get pretty loud, so I doubted I slept through.

I brought him into bed to nurse and he nursed for a long time, so that must mean it was awhile since I last fed him. I figured he'd be ready to party, but we both fell back asleep, cuddled nose to nose and when he woke up again it was 8:30!

I think technically a baby "sleeping through the night" means the baby gets 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Well, he definitely did last night! You have NO idea how excited I am!

Will this last? Oh dear Lord in Heaven, I hope so! Joe is growing and changing. He is right now boycotting his morning nap. I can see him on the baby video monitor just chilling with his stuffed animals. He isn't crying, so I'm leaving him in there for awhile so he can just relax.

Joe slept through the night!!! Huzzah!!!

Where were you?

2011-09-09T14:42:00.005-05:00

My junior year school photo

When I was young I remember hearing older people comment on how they will never forget where they were when they heard Pearl Harbor was attacked or when President Kennedy was assassinated. I never thought I’d have an experience like that.

My experience, like the rest of yours, was 9-11.

I was a junior at Tarkio High School. My first hour class was band. We were in the midst of marching band season and I was in the color guard. While the rest of the band was in the band room learning the marching music, we color guard girls practiced in the gym. I remember we were just sitting around. We were just getting there so we hadn’t started our practicing yet. I remember one of the “S” twins coming in and saying that one of the World Trade Center buildings had been bombed. My first reaction was “Yikes…” but since I didn’t know the extent of the damage I wasn’t really too concerned.

That all changed in the next few minutes as the hallways of T.H.S started buzzing with activity. Something more was going on. I remember teachers going around and the words “We’ve been attacked” being said and rushing up to the library- one of the few rooms in our school that had cable TV.

The library was jammed full of students and thankfully the TV footage was projected onto a huge screen so we were able to see what was going on. We all looked in shock at one of the World Trade Center towers burning. A plane had done this. Was this an accident? What was going on? It was all so devastating and confusing.

Pretty soon we all knew that this wasn’t just a random, horrible accident. We watched as another plane slammed into the tower. We watched as a plane crashed into the Pentagon. We watched as yet another plane crashed a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

Horror and panic set in. I remember my English teacher saying after the plane crashed into the Pentagon “We are going to war. You don’t mess with the Pentagon.” My thoughts had been on the boy I was dating at the time. He had graduated high school in the spring before and was far away at college. We had an innocent, young high school love that ran deep, and my fear was that he would be sent to fight those who attacked us. He had enlisted in the Air Force after he graduated from high school; long before any of this had happened. “Why, why, WHY did you decide to enlist?!” I kept mentally yelling at him while I was sitting there watching the attacks. We had no cell phones back then to text each other.

There was no way to get a hold of my mom. While watching the tragedy unfold I had a mental “I want my mommy” moment. My brother was far away in Kansas City. He is a police officer there. Seeing the officers on TV running around with blood on their hands and bravery on their face made me sick to my stomach. I kept seeing my big brother’s face on these police officers. I knew that these attacks were half a country away and my family and boyfriend were safe, but this was a moment where I just wanted to know where everybody I loved was at and if they were safe. I was thankful to be around my friends and teachers, but still yearned for more loved ones around me.

What was happening to our world? Attacks like this weren’t supposed to happen in AMERICA. My young classmates and I watched the news footage of the burning towers. We saw papers flying out of the windows of the Trade Center. We saw people running, crying, screaming. We saw sirens, smoke and dust. Would these horrors make their way to the safe, sleepy Midwest?

To our horror we saw the towers crumble. These massive, strong towers crumbling like they were nothing. All those people.. those innocent people. We couldn’t believe our eyes when we saw that death and destruction. My classmates and I matured in that library. Life wasn’t just worrying about a math test or striving to do our best at track practice. Life was more than getting ready for your driver’s test or making sure you had the right dress for homecoming. We learned in that hour or so that life was much, much more than what we thought it was.

We spent the rest of the day in a sort of perpetual study hall. We went to our classes, but nothing was taught. No work was done. We just all talked a lot about what we saw and how we were feeling. I remember being emotionally spent and learning there was still golf practice that afternoon after school. I remember thinking that our coach was so unfair, but I realize now that she knew we needed some sort of structure and normalcy. While walking the golf course my team mates and I looked up in the air, on this beautiful, clear fall afternoon, and saw no planes zigzagging the sky. It was a chilling, eerie feeling.

I remember driving home and seeing the gas station packed with people trying to get gas. The price was getting ready to go up to 3 or 4 bucks a gallon. That craziness went away after a few hours when our nation was assured that there would be no gas shortage.

I came home in a very foul mood. I was still mad that I had to go to golf practice when I wanted so desperately to call my boyfriend. My mom was expecting me to come home sad and wanting to hug her. I came home pissy, ranting and went straight away to call my boyfriend. (Ahh, how funny the emotions are of a teenage girl.) Eventually I came around and was able to spend quality time with my mom. I didn’t worry about homework that night. We watched the news coverage and thanked God we were safe.

I will always remember that day. It seemed so surreal. As we all know that day has forever changed our lives. Patriotism boomed the following months. Our homecoming theme was Patriotic. Our homecoming dance photo backdrop was an American flag. The yearbook theme for that year was All American.

Our fall homecoming was a couple weeks after the attacks.

My, how life has changed for our country these past 10 years. I have never flown before but my husband says that security before 9-11 and after are unbelievably different. We are in wars over this. I still consider my old high school boyfriend a friend and he has served our country overseas. I’ve had friends serve overseas. Ryan’s cousin was in Iraq. Everywhere you go you hear of someone who knows someone who is fighting for our freedom. Everywhere you go you hear of a young life cut short while fighting overseas.

Ten years is a long time. I’ve changed and grown so much. In some ways this 10 year anniversary of 9-11 makes me more sad then when it actually happened. I think that day and the months following 9-11 I was in shock. Now that I have gotten older I see that there is evil everywhere. I’m also more sad when thinking about 9-11 because I have a husband and a child. I cannot imagine losing my husband or child in a manner such as this. Something as routine as going into work or taking a flight ended up being the last day of their lives. How many spouses got into a fight that morning and parted ways mad at each other and one of them was killed in one of the planes? How many mothers and fathers were in a rush to get somewhere and didn’t kiss their baby goodbye and the child perished in one of the towers? I can’t fathom it and even writing those words make me sick with grief. The lesson I have learned is to never take for granted those you love.

My heart will be heavy this Sunday. However, it is my father-in-law’s birthday. I’m sure it’s not easy to share your birthday with such a day filled with sadness, but he is not the only person who was born on September 11. Thousands and thousands and thousands of babies have been born on this date since the attacks happened. Life goes on. We learn to see the beauty in life. We come to understand that life is precious. We learn that it isn’t the things in life that make us happy, it is that which you cannot buy and our loved ones.

I am proud of our country, especially the brave men and women of the military that sacrifice their well-being and their own lives to protect us. I am proud that we have been able to stand up and dust ourselves off from this tragedy. Life isn’t the same anymore, but I pray that we all can learn from this tragedy and live. Live.. truly live in a way that helps us to be better people, help those around us, and to be able to enjoy the eternal glory of God the Father in Paradise.

Praying for the victims of September 11th and their families.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let the perpetual light shine upon them.
May they rest in peace.
Amen.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:18-31

Weekend Recap.. a few days late!

2011-09-07T20:02:00.002-05:00

I had a big post ready to recap our very busy weekend. I uploaded a bunch of photos on here in what I THOUGHT was chronological order, but when they appeared on this page they were all out of order. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Anywho, here's a small recap of Joe's party weekend:

We had a small family party on his actual birthday which was Friday. He had a cupcake and really seemed to enjoy it!

This is Joe on his big party day with his own cake. He really seemed to like this as well!

A family snapshot after the party!

Our weekend was super busy! On Friday after the little party we went to the Kansas City Irish Fest. I enjoyed some nice tall cups of beer there! It's been awhile since I've had a few!

Saturday we had a family wedding and we had a great time!

Sunday was Joe's big party. It was wonderful! Joe LOVES Sesame Street so that was the party theme and I did not hold back in decorating. Party City has TONS of super cute 1st birthday Sesame Street themed decorations so I went hog-wild. At least I didn't buy a life-size stand up Elmo balloon like my hubby did! Joe was awesome during the party! Since Joe doesn't eat table food yet I was worried he wouldn't be interested in the cake. Boy, did he prove me wrong!

On Monday the weather was PERFECT so we took Joe on his first trip to the zoo! It was kind of crowded, but we had a good time. Joe was terrified of the llamas and the birds, but loved the elephants and hippos!

This weekend was so busy but so wonderful! All the eating and drinking caught up with me, however; I gained 0.6 of a lb at Weight Watchers tonight. I was actually pleased because I thought I would have gained a lot more! Only 4 more lbs now to my goal weight!

Hopefully I get Blogger figured out someday. I still don't know how to schedule my posts or put photos in order or hyperlink photos. Oh well!

Hope your weekend was fantastic!