Those Quiet Mommy Wars

Mommy wars.

I hate them.

Feel like getting into a nice juicy debate with someone? You can skip the political blogs or even ones regarding religion. Step on into a mommy message board and you can get into quite the doozy. I swear when I get on BabyCenter.com to look something up I can hear cats hissing and the claws coming out.

There are blog posts and message boards just asking for people to start a debate. They are the “I am right, you are wrong, and you cannot convince me otherwise” posts. But I see that there are other subtle mommy war/battles going on. These are quiet and many might not even notice them, but they are the underpinnings of bigger debates.

So I will ask you these questions:

*Am I a horrible mother for using regular ol’ Johnson and Johnson’s baby shampoo instead of an all-natural product or something I made myself?

*Is my child destined for obesity if I plan on giving him Spaghettio's and Doritos on occasion instead of organic hummus and homemade pita bread?

*Should I be put in jail because I am “poisoning” my son by having him immunized?

*Yet, am I an irresponsible parent because I do not follow the regular immunization schedule?

*Am I ruining my child’s independence by not using the cry-it out method?

*Will Joe be a spoiled brat because I follow attachment parenting methods?

*I’m a wretched mother for “lying” to my child about Santa Claus?

*Am I sending Joe on a path to hell because I plan on not only teaching him about All Saints Day, but I will also allow him to dress up as Buzz Lightyear or a cowboy for Halloween and go trick or treating?

Don’t even get me started on the subject of circumcision. I personally think it’s rather disturbing that women will embark on a full-out war with each other over their son’s genitals. It’s creepy and weird.

I ask these questions because there have been times I have felt these things after reading blog posts, message boards and facebook statuses.

I’m sure the writers of these words don’t mean to be malicious or judgmental. I’m sure that I have even written something that has hurt someone’s feelings or has caused them to roll their eyes. It’s easy to write what we are feeling and use social media to work out our feelings but we need to be careful because other people read our words and these words can have a huge effect.

I think we need to be careful when we write our posts about parenting. When we write about our experiences that is one thing, but to write a treatise about why we think something is wrong or right and then demean those who think differently from us is never a good idea.

I hate it how one school of thought can build themselves up to thinking that is the BEST way to parent. And I hate to say this, but I see a lot of that coming from the natural parenting groups. I hate saying that because I agree with practically everything that natural parenting advocates, but I feel like there is no middle ground. I feel like I can’t label myself a “natural parent” because God forbid I use Johnsons and Johnsons and Mr. Bubble bubble bath instead of homemade products and use baby food that is store bought. I use disposable diapers which I feel automatically excludes me from natural parenting. I wanted to use cloth diapers but we couldn’t afford the rather hefty initial investment. There are a few folks in the cloth diapering community who can be somewhat militant against disposable diaper users, but they do it in the most subtle ways. I have felt like I am putting Joe in diapers filled with rat poison and scorpions because of some of the comments I've read from cloth diapering parents regarding disposables.

But I have felt attacked from the “non” natural side as well. I used to co-sleep and I read these posts about how co-sleeping is basically signing your baby’s death certificate and how your marriage is doomed. People have given me weird looks for using my Moby wrap when Joe was younger. I've gotten a few I-really-want-to-roll-my-eyes-but-I'll-just-smile-and-nod looks when I have expressed my wishes for a non-medicated birth and hopes of a VBAC. And of course, the fact that I don’t use artificial birth control automatically makes me a crazy, irresponsible wacko.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it is good to have a variety of parenting styles and to share our experiences. I suppose if someone posts something regularly that makes me feel bad about my parenting skills I should just stop reading. But we must be careful with our words. We must be careful of our attitudes. We don’t want to get too prideful on how we parent. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every situation is different. We need to stop acting like our way of parenting is the best way and the only way and other ways of parenting are sub-par.

I don’t know, maybe I am just being too sensitive when I read stuff on the internet. But when it comes to parenting, I am both fiercely protective of my choices yet also afraid that I am doing it all wrong. I know that sounds strange. So when I read a status about how horrible Spaghettio's and Sesame Street are I feel like a bad mom. I just keep thinking about the ways my mom raised me. There were canned foods, disposable diapers and TV. There was also a lot of love, family, nature, crafts, memories, traditions, learning and exploring. I think I turned out relatively normal. I haven’t become a psychotic, obese serial killer with an exceptionally low IQ with oodles of cancer precursors floating in my body. Not yet anyway.

I remember when I first started reading mommy blogs I would read the term “crunchy” and had no clue what it meant. I honestly thought it meant something about crunchy peanut butter. It took me awhile but I figured it out- crunchy like granola, granola is hippie food, hippies love nature, therefore crunchy means natural parenting.

I never knew there were so many styles and labels of parenting. Before I had a baby, I just thought there was one way to parent- with unconditional love. I think I will just stick with that way of parenting.

I don’t like the condemnation that is out there in Internetlandia. I don’t like the subtle judgment and criticisms. I don’t really care for the labels.

But the label I like the best and prefer is Mommy. Mommy to Joseph Ryan Edward Crawford.

It is one of a kind.

On a final note, please read this article. It is written by a woman whose son will not live past his third birthday. I think no matter what our parenting stance we can take the lessons this mother has learned and focus on love instead of our parenting styles.